Greenmama's Raw Adventures

Garden update

2010-08-08T19:00:00.005-06:00

Here's a tomato for Mommy! Now if I could only teach him to pick only the ripe ones...

A Charentais melon. How the heck do I know when this sucker is ripe? I can't wait!

Look at those beans go. The cucumbers are trying to take over the fence, too.

The vast cucumber sea... As you can see, I planted these too close together. It's making harvesting a bitch!

A volunteer pumpkin plant. Isn't that awesome? I think there will be one for each child! Thank you, universe.

I wanted to put more pictures on here, but Blogger isn't as generous as she used to be, so I'll have to post more later...

In other news, I stepped on a bumblebee a couple of days ago and my foot is huge and red and hot. So, I've been resting and eating lots of local organic watermelon (and other stuff, lest you think I'm monomealing). I have way too many cucumbers! If you need some, come on over... :)

And of course, the best news of the day is that my sweet little Salome is 6 years old today. Happy birthday, Sali-cakes.

My excuse for not blogging...I'm in the garden!

2010-07-01T18:33:00.008-06:00

See the Scarlet Runner beans and Christmas limas on the fence behind me? Hopefully I'll spot a hummingbird sipping from the red flowers...

My landlord was kind enough to rototill these strips in a sunny location. Here's where my melons and tomatoes are planted.

I made an hugelkulture bed and planted potatoes in it. This was quite an endevour to build and I was lucky to get free soil from a neighbor.

This is the original garden plot. As you can see, there is a big tree shading it, and there is also a tree on the other side, not shown in this picture. Not enough sun for melons or tomatoes, but other things manage. I have a lot of different things interplanted, as well as weeds. If you were to blow this up, you could pick out lettuce, beets, peas, kale, and sunflowers. In the back, in front of and beside the bean fence, are dry beans, lots of cucumber hills, and more potatoes.

This is a cute picture of my baby's butt right next to a banana tree. This little table houses all of my new dwarf fruit trees. 3 bananas, a fig, a pomegranate, a pineapple (not a tree), and a quartet of citrus. They are doing great. More pictures and garden info coming soon!

Fun Feast Recipes

2010-06-02T11:05:00.003-06:00

Cucumber-Jicama Salad

My sister-in-law made this for my nephew's birthday party. "You're gonna love this!" she raved. I was so touched that she thought of me and knew a little bit about my dietary interests. And I did love it! Of course, her version had olive oil, salt and pepper, so I adjusted the recipe here by omitting those ingredients and adding tahini. Sorry about not including the proportions. I find it better to just experiment and taste as you go.

Jicama, cut into match sticks
English cucumber with the skin, diced
Tomato (preferably Campari or grape tomatoes) diced
Fresh cilantro, chopped
Freshly squeezed lemon juice
Raw tahini

Kaptain Krunch

I created this dish as a milk and cereal alternative for my children. The girls love it! You can get creative with the additions of different dried fruits, shredded coconut, nuts, seeds, or spices, but we generally keep it pretty simple. Today I added a couple of teaspoons of chia seeds and a dash of cinnamon.

1 apple, diced
1 rib of celery, diced
1 banana, blended into mylk w/ about 1/3 cup of water

Mix diced apple and celery in a bowl, along with optional ingredients if using. Pour over the banana mylk. Top with a sprinkle of cinnamon.

Mango Madness Salad Dressing

I am so happy that the children have let go of their attachment to commercial salad dressings. Remember the good old days when most salad dressings were just vinegar, oil, spices and salt? While not healthful, they weren't a toxic cocktail of chemicals with unpronounceable names like they are today. And not cheap, either, especially the ones that have fewer additives. We've been testing out quite a few different dressing recipes and here is one that I came up with... our current favorite.

6 medium Ataulfo mangos, peeled and diced
1 avocado, peeled and pitted
3 ribs of celery
Juice of 1 large lime

Blend until smooth and creamy. Perfect as a dip or thick dressing. If a thinner dressing is desired, you can add 1/4 cup of water.

Feast Days 3 & 4

2010-05-29T20:48:00.004-06:00

Day 2, May 28

Movement: Cardio Salsa workout, Feldenkrais Lesson "Freeing the Hip Joint"

Food: Mangoes, Cherry-banana smoothie, romaine lettuce

Joy: I finally got the last of my melons planted! My baby is so happy to spend some time naked now that the weather is nice. Nothin' is cuter than a naked baby running about happy and free.

Day 3, May 29

Movement: Slim and Sleek Fast workout, walking

Food Nightmare!!! I tried so hard today. We only had 3 ripe mangos left, so I enjoyed those. I went to a different Farmer's Market, as I had a class to attend in a different town. No ripe strawberries yet. :( I went to the store after my class but could not get anything ripe, so the pile of "ripening" fruit in my kitchen has grown, but nothing to eat. I ate two pints of sour raspberries that were starting to mold on the way home. How can they look so pretty and be so sour?

I was really hungry and really annoyed by the time I got home. First I cut up a pineapple. Not ripe, too sour for me. I tried the papaya that was yellow as can be and starting to mold a bit. I knew by smell that it might need a couple more days, but I had to try. Unfortunately, some rot had gotten into the stem and invaded the seed cavity. I tried to salvage some undamaged fruit, but it was, of course, unripe. Then I tried the last watermelon. No good. Over-ripe, slimy, verging on fermented... I had one bunch of bananas that had sugar spots, but they looked a bit hard and green still. I tried. As I suspected, not ripe. With no options left, I blended 5 of them with some frozen sweet cherries. I also had some delicious baby bok choy from my garden, and some Freckles lettuce from the Farmer's Market. This tided me over for a little while, but not surprisingly, by dinner time, I was eating cooked lentils and brown rice and veggies because I was hungry and frustrated. Hey Universe, I need at least 3000 calories of good quality fruit per day!

I really start feeling despair when I spend so much of our limited resources on fruit that ends up in the compost. I have to predict how much to buy when my children's eating habits can be unpredictable. Some times I have too many ripe bananas, other times we run out. I have to order my bulk produce sight unseen, and pray that it is good quality and will be ripe in a reasonable amount of time... about half the time something goes wrong in this equation. And the worst is when I have to take a risk on buying unripe fruit, like pineapples, papayas and mangoes, and hope they will ripen before they rot. Or when I have to buy fruits, like melons, that might look fine on the outside but are horrible inside. Ack!

Well, chalk it up to a learning curve that I am going to master. (But I am afraid the real solution here is to move to a farm in a semi-tropical location, or become moderately wealthy and increase my produce budget by 300%.)

In other complaining news, I stepped on a bee today and was in horrible pain for about 2 hours afterward. And so, no gardening.

Self-Love: I love that I am a work in progress. I love that I am beginning to have clarity about some of my stumbling blocks in my raw journey, so that I can start to attract solutions.

Joy: Got to reconnect with some good friends at the Farmer's Market today. And I got to see Trudi Temple speak. She is a fabulous, funny, inspirational firecracker of a person.

Feast Days 1 & 2

2010-05-28T11:47:00.005-06:00

Day 1 5/26

Food: Mangos, bananas, blended strawberries and tomatoes, romaine lettuce. Not enough ripe fruit in the house today, so I didn't eat enough.

Movement: Walking and Feldenkrais Lesson #3 Rolling to sit.

Love and Joy: Dancing with my cute baby. Reading my 5 year-old's kindergarten portfolio and seeing how much she has grown this year. Today is the kids' last day of school and summer fun begins.

Day 2 5/27 My dear husband's 35th birthday.

Food: Mangos, banana/ sweet cherry smoothie, cherub tomatoes, avocado and romaine, cooked food from my husband's birthday dinner (not happy about that one... but it gave me an opportunity to practice self-acceptance and compassion)

Movement: Walked with the children to the park and chased the baby around for awhile.

Healing: Was feeling a lot of shame and sadness early in the day. Was later able to pinpoint what had triggered that and name my needs around that, but I still could have used some more... something. Was feeling stressed. But, last night I was able to offer my daughter some empathy when she got really upset and scared at bedtime. She was really receptive to it, and calmed down. It was so nice to be able to help her. She hugged me really tight and told me she loved me, and then went right to sleep.

Love and joy: Got my kids a little kiddie pool that they have been asking for. They were so happy! Felt lots of love for my husband who is having a mini midlife crisis on his birthday. LOL!

40 Day Feast

2010-05-26T09:58:00.008-06:00

Connie at Naked Food Cafe has inspired me to a 40 day feast of self-care. Just what I need right now. Here are my 40 day goals.

1) I will love myself deeply and sweetly no matter what.

2) I will eat the foods that my body was designed to digest and use for fuel.

3) I will continue to move my body joyfully for at least 45 minutes per day.

4) I will continue to focus on my healing work, and I will celebrate each tiny bit of progress and accept that it may take time.

5) I will take time to express gratitude and love often.

I really want to blog more, but I often feel that I have so much going on, and my emotions are so up and down, I don't know what to share. Here's an update on the last month or so:

My eating has been up and down dramatically, but fruit is my main source of calories. My exercise is consistent. (Walking, rebounding, cardio videos, jumproping, dancing!) My garden is ambitious and I am nervous but excited about it. I planted 7 varieties of melons this week and have more to plant. My snow peas, sugar snaps and potatoes are 2 inches high and baby lettuces, beets, beans, and carrots are poking out everywhere. So far I am keeping my potted baby fruit trees and my tomato seedlings alive. Fingers crossed.

I want to share that I have been turned on to the amazing benefits of Feldenkrais and have been really enjoying doing some of the free lessons found here. It is changing my life!

I am so grateful for the sunshine, and for my beautiful family, and for the fresh local organic strawberries I have been enjoying this week.

I will try to post my progress regularly on this feast.

I did my first barefoot run!

2010-04-12T11:45:00.003-06:00

Kathleen from Trifruit has influenced me to finally go for my dream of becoming a runner.

When I was a child, my dad and mom had a lot of fear that us kids would get injured, and so we were discouraged from doing normal kid activities like running, climbing, spinning in circles, going barefoot. Also, there were a lot of us (11) and the house would get overwhelming if we were all acting playfully. And they didn't want us to play outside unsupervised or go out into the neighborhood to play. All this added together, and I basically was a slightly overweight, definitely out-of-shape child who spent most of my time reading, doing housework, watching t.v. and daydreaming.

I used to dread the Presidential Fitness Test at school where we were required to do the mile run. I never ran it. I would jog for a little while and then walk the rest. In high school, my fitness improved a bit because I was in marching band and on the swim team (though I was pretty much the slowest person on a very slow team).

In college, I used to dream about getting fit. But for the most part, I would buy fitness magazines and read them in bed before I rolled over and took a nap. I really enjoyed walking around the city, though, and occasionally would get on a stairclimber or do a couple of sets on some weight machines.

My overall beliefs about my body were that I was flat-footed, uncoordinated, genetically ectomorphic, and basically unsuited to being an athlete, though I believed it was important to get some exercise for my health.

After I found 80-10-10, my belief in my own potential expanded quite a bit. I think watching a few seasons of Biggest Loser also changed my beliefs a bit as well. Heck, if people weighing 300-400 pounds can start running, what's my excuse?!? I began to harbor a secret desire to become a real runner. One who could run a mile continuously, or a 5K, or a marathon... Hey, if Oprah can do it, why not me?

But my initial attempts at running felt a bit awkward and difficult. I was feeling at my peak physically, having done several months of 80-10-10 and gotten to a very comfortable weight of 110 pounds. So why did running not feel good? My mother had admonished me that running was terrible for your joints and that I was sure to get injured because all runners do. I reflected that I did know tons and tons of runners who had all suffered injuries. I didn't want to believe her, but I put running on the backburner as something to try later when I had sorted things out for myself.

When I got introduced to the concept of barefoot running recently, suddenly things started to fall into place mentally for me. I no longer felt worried about whether I would get injured. I realized that the human body is meant to run, and if one runs in the way humans are designed to run, then it will be no problem. I planned that as soon as the weather was warm enough, I would start. I found this awesome article that gave me some invaluable tips on proper form.

And even though, I'm 40 pounds overweight, running felt a million times better than the first time I tried it. Unbelievable! Now, the only problem. After a mixture of walking and running on pavement and grass and over the inevitable sticks and small stones, the skin on my feet is a little sore. Perhaps I should take it a little slower and toughen up my feet a bit first. But my joints and muscles feel fine.

In local news...

2010-04-08T22:57:00.003-06:00

Our town got hit with quite a storm on Monday. It made CNN, I was told (though I didn't see it). Some shingles blew off our roof and we lost 4 large trees, but none of them hit anything. Luckily, we're renters and not responsible for the repairs or cleanup. If you follow this link, you can see some pictures. The church that had the wall blow down is a block away! Funny enough, all of my children totally slept through the storm. The damaging winds rattled our whole house fiercely for about five minutes and then it was very calm.

In other news, I have taken up knitting. I have joined a group class with my sister-in-law and her mom and sister. I am really pleased at how relaxed I am and how quickly I am picking it up. This has not been my experience before with handicrafts. LOL! I think I am growing in self-confidence.

Another area where I am picking up steam is my exercise. Speed, endurance, core strength, yay! I actually look forward to sweating. A big motivator for me is that I want to be in "fighting shape" for gardening season this year. I plan to do a separate post soon about my garden projects.

Happy Spring everyone!

Happy birthday to my fruitbaby!

2010-04-01T19:17:00.007-06:00

Qian is one year old today, and that ain't no April Fool's.

Excuses Begone

2010-03-20T23:45:00.004-06:00

I have heard plenty about Wayne Dyer but never had any direct experience with his books or presentations. When PBS showed a program last week, I took the opportunity to watch, mostly out of curiousity.

Though I found his manner engaging and the presentation interesting enough that I didn't turn it off, I found myself judging him... Who does this guy think he is with his pot belly telling me how to be successful? He hasn't said anything I haven't heard elsewhere. In fact, most of what he does is quote other people.

I got curious as to what my resistance was about. And then I realized... here is a man who has attracted a fortune to himself, as well as legions of admirers. I am jealous. I laughed a little at myself, and my annoyance dissolved.

I took away one nugget of wisdom that has helped me immensely in the last few days. One of the excuses that I wish to begone... "It will be difficult to achieve."

I realize that I have been repeating this to myself over and over for the past few years, with regards to transitioning to a healthy lifestyle. And, as long as I have believed it, it has been difficult!

Today, I realized it can be easy. And so it was. Now, about that fortune...

Joyful!

2010-03-02T12:20:00.004-06:00

I have been enjoying all the things that I have begun creating in my life... a closer relationship with my husband and children. Friendships. Improved health and fitness.

I am spending much time working through and healing past trauma. I am spending much time dreaming and planning the beautiful, bountiful garden that I will be growing this year.

I grow happier and happier! I am so practiced giving words to painful emotions that at times, I feel like I have nothing to blog about when I am happy. But as I grow, I am sure I will find a way to express myself more clearly.

So I will spend some time telling you about the mundane in my life...

My sweet little Qian hangs out with me every day, like a little shadow watching me as I go about my housework. He is a curious little being, with a strong sense of himself. He likes to climb, but this week, he has finally figured out how to go down the stairs as well as up. If I open the dishwasher when he is nearby, he rushes over and grabs the biggest knife (why not the wooden spoons?). Having older children and a baby can sometimes be a challenge. He wants all of their toys. I keep finding the girls' beads in his poop. :( But he is never shy about getting into their games. The other day they were wrestling on a mat on the floor, and he dived right in the middle, laughing.

I have been spending some time each week with my sister-in-law. She is a cool chick. I've meant to befriend her for many years but never found the time or courage. Now, we get together once a week. Our goal is to do some kind of craft project, but so far, we just hang out and talk. They have a lovely brown lab mix, a sweet, somewhat hyper young dog named Abbie. She puts her nose right up to Qian's nose, but he does not get scared or back down. He looks right back at her with the same curiousity that she has for him.

My husband is still doing raw... mostly citrus juice with a salad in the evening. He has occasionally cheated, but seems to be in a really good place about the whole process right now.

I am on the cusp of finally finishing this years-long transition, I believe. I finally realized it is not about "discipline" or force in any form. It is about joyful embrace! I need to ALLOW happiness. It is my birthright, no matter what I was taught as a child. I can let old beliefs that no longer serve me fall away, and embrace my full power.

Healthy living as a family

2010-02-17T15:39:00.004-06:00

My husband decided last week that he has had it with feeling fat. After his terrible health struggles of the past year, he is finally feeling somewhat better. His neuropathy has improved to the point that he is able to digest food without pain, sleep through the night, and walk and stand and wear shoes for a couple of hours at a time without seering pain. He still has swollen feet every day, and though the doctor assures him his circulation is fine, his feet alternate between a dusky blue color and a reddish hue, with a spiderweb of bruised-looking little red veins. He hopes that his feet will continue to get better, and that he can resume some physical activity.

When he was ill, he lost a lot of weight, partly because his pancreas was unable to function properly and his cells were starved for nutrition, and partly because he could barely eat. At one point he was down to 140 lbs. (he is 5' 10"), a weight he had not seen since grade school. His weight has crept back up around 200 in the past year, a combination of insulin injections, improved digestion, lack of physical activity, and emotional eating.

One of the gifts that I have received from my husband's illness is that I found the low fat raw vegan path. But it is so sad to me to see how he suffers from a painful disease that is 100% preventable (and I believe, 100% curable). I know that there are so many more children now who will be facing the devastating effects of Type 2 diabetes in their 20s and 30s as he has done, and it breaks my heart.

And so I find it frustrating (infuriating?) and somewhat amusing that my husband's primary motivation to change his diet to improve his looks. Of course, I know that he has some very powerful and painful emotional issues surrounding eating, and in a way, feels overwhelmed at the thought of facing them. It's easier to just go on a little juice detox so his pants can fit again.

He feels overwhelmed by the chewing and the high water content of the LFRV diet, and prefers to drink cold beverages and have a salad with dinner. He has no idea of his hunger signals (he thinks that stomach growling is hunger, and since it almost never growls with a lowfat diet, he has no idea). He doesn't really want to believe in the whole premise of the raw foods idea, and is petrified that following this diet will alienate him from his family and friends. He resists tracking his food intake and massively undereats. In fact, he resists joining the LFRV community or educating himself about it (and for sure, resists my lecturing ;). Which is why I can get away with this very revealing post, since I know he won't read it. Sigh.

But, there is HOPE! He came up with this idea on his own, long after I had given up on any dream that he would change his eating habits. He has stuck to it now for several days in a row and has already had some good cleansing occuring. So I am giving myself a little empathy about my fears. I am realizing that I need to work my own program and not try to micromanage his. I am supporting him in the best way that I can. And I can only hope that as he experiences improved health (and increased hunger), he will gradually educate himself on his own terms and choose to continue on a path towards health.

Score!

2010-02-11T20:45:00.005-06:00

Photo found at The Hungry Ghost Kid

I am doing a happy dance today because I have manifested myself some terrific produce deals today. I have been finding good deals at small independently-owned ethnic markets for years. One of the great things about these markets is that the owners are typically hands-on and accessible. If you want to buy things by the case, they are often happy to oblige, often at a discount. And, of course, they often sell tropical fruits that are either not available or highly expensive at grocery stores.

Last week, I got a case of 50 lbs. of Maradol papaya at my favorite Mexican tienda for $26 and was absolutely ecstatic. They were the ripest papayas I have ever purchased, all a beautiful golden color, and deliciously sweet and juicy.

This week I went back to the store with the intention of finding out what other goodies they can order for me by the case. They had received a huge delivery only moments before, and there were crates of produce and foodstuffs stacked up outside the doors and in all of the aisles of the market. They run a bustling restaurant next door, so they purchase a much larger quantity than your typical tiendita. As I maneauvered around skids of tortillas, my eye landed on a lone box right next to the front door. In the box were various heirloom tomatoes in a striking rainbow of hues. I asked the cashier, who is the wife of the owner, how much she wanted per pound, since I had never seen these carried by this store. Oh, she said, those were sent to us by mistake; we were going to send them back. Can I buy some, I asked. She went and found her husband, who offered me the entire case (probably 25 lbs or more) for $6!

We also discussed ordering mandarinas and oranges by the case. He told me that he will sell me a 50 lb. case of oranges for $20. But they're juicing oranges, he told me, I hope that's o.k. Um, YEAH!

Next week, I am going to talk to him about what else I can order by the case. Perhaps there are things he doesn't typically carry inside the store, but that his supplier has available. I mean, his prices are unbelievable!

I gave the owner and his wife some of the heirloom tomatoes to try, and talked to them a little about gardening, since the varieties look like some that I have grown in my own garden. I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!

2010-01-26T19:16:00.002-06:00

I thought I knew all of the low fat raw vegan teachers out there, but Swayze was kind enough to introduce me to a few new ones in this post.

Chris Kendall, what a ball of joy. I aspire to enjoy my bananas as much as he does, and his precious little niece made me laugh harder than I've laughed in a long time.

I loved reading Ellen Livingston's account of fasting in Costa Rica with Doug Graham, and I had a big a-ha moment when I read this passage...

"I begin to turn further inward today, and become uncomfortably aware of how much in my life I have identified with the emotion of sadness, and the experience of suffering. This has become a part of me that does not want to leave easily. It's been my companion, however self-destructive; sadness and suffering have become experiences that I can deeply connect with, and their depth has often given me a welcome experience of aliveness. What I want now is to feel that aliveness, that depth of emotion, through joy instead of through sorrow. I want joy, happiness, peace, easefulness, restfulness, vibrancy, and health to be my constant companions now. I am not afraid of sorrow and suffering, I just want to release my lingering identity with them and make more room for joy to be dominant."

Ellen Livingston

Yes, exactly! Somehow this inner part of me that clings to the identity of suffering does not believe I can survive without her. "It's a cruel world," she warns. "You'll get your heart broken."

I think it's worth the risk.

This Emotional Life

2010-01-19T00:18:00.003-06:00

I watched and enjoyed a portion of this PBS documentary tonight that discussed happiness.

One of the topics discussed was resilience. They interviewed Bob Schumaker who was shot down over Vietnam and spent 8 years as a POW. He was tortured and held in solitary confinement for almost 3 years. He discussed all of the ways he stayed sane and optimistic through a horrible trauma.

First, he dreamed. One of his main dreams was of the house he planned to build for his wife and baby son when he returned. He worked and reworked the plans in his mind, down to how many nails and how many square feet of plywood he would use. After his release, he built it.

Even though he was prevented from being with other prisoners, they developed a tap code so they could communicate through the walls. He demonstrates this amazing system here. The POWs even went so far as to teach one another classes using the tap codes on everything from French to music to television repair. The social support was vital to getting through the horrors of being imprisoned. Without the tap code, the POWs would have gone mad, or worse.

Bob said he would have not changed his experience for anything, despite the pain. He said he never gave up or doubted that he would come through it. He said he never regretted the time that he lost or what he suffered because he learned so much about himself through the experience. After his release, he had a happy marriage and a great relationship with his son (who he never met until he was 8 years old), and just loved life. His facial expressions and tone of voice clearly reflected his happiness.

And if he can do it, why can't I?

Old tapes

2010-01-17T11:23:00.003-06:00

Some of you may remember which teacher it was who used to tell us that the "old tapes" running through our heads sometimes led to getting stuck in behaviors we want to change. I know some of you reading this aren't old enough to remember cassette tapes. LOL! But I find it a useful and accurate metaphor for what I experience at times.

Despite my incredible progress in so many areas, a lot of my old tapes are still running. After a strong start to the new year, I have slid back to the point where I found myself eating all kinds of crap yesterday, including dairy.

The new tape says, one meal at a time, start now. But the old tape says, you are a failure and you always will be. The new tape says, look at how far you've come and all you've improved. The old tape says, it's been years and you are still rehashing the same old crap.

When I feel like this, I have repetitive dreams where I have an important task to complete. Usually, in the dream, I have a class to teach or an appointment to keep. I find myself in a large building where I am wandering about, unable to find the room that I am supposed to be in. In another version of the dream, I don't have the proper materials or I can't find my glasses and am totally blind. The dream goes on and on, while I try and try to complete my task, with no success. Sometimes this dream is combined with a dream I have when I am stuffy and mouth-breathing. In this dream I have a large wad of gum stuck to my back teeth. I try to remove it, but I can only get bits and pieces. I pull piece after piece of sticky gum out, but still a large wad remains. I wake up feeling anxious, unrested and very thirsty.

Ok, my lovely friends, now is your cue to send me lots of love and encouragement. Thanks!

Things that Make Me Happy

2010-01-08T23:04:00.005-06:00

Thanks to Tina at Terra Bites, Christopher at Berry Boy, Elijah at Overcoming Epilepsy and Kim at A Fruity Endeavor for nominating me for this fun award. I have been kinda crabby for the past two days, and I needed this little pick-me-up!

Ten things that Make Me Happy (in no particular order)

1) My husband and kids. Every day they show me love and appreciation (even if it's mixed in with aggravation) and every day at least one of them makes me laugh out loud. And if you every find you're needing adoration, just be a mommy to a 9 month old. When you come in the room, he will light up with the biggest smile, as if you are the greatest person on Earth and he is experiencing bliss just seeing you. He will hug you and snuggle you and want to be with you all the time. I am very lucky to have my little Qian and I don't forget it, even when I'm tired.

2) The Naked Food Cafe. I don't think I could be home alone in this cold weather eating naked food without the support of Connie and all the wonderful people at the NFC. It is a fun, positive, interesting place.

3) Sunshine. Even in winter, nothing is so wonderful as the bright, cheerful glow of the sun.

4) Our new MP3 player and subscription to Rhapsody. My husband and I gave ourselves this gift for Christmas and it has provided hours of fun and entertainment. I have made upbeat playlists to motivate me to walk, jump on the rebounder, and dance with the baby. With Rhapsody, we can experiment and find all kinds of music from all over the world.

5) Fresh, ripe, sweet, juicy fruit. MMmmmmmmmmmmm! And of course, eating fresh off the tree or or the bush can't be beat.

6) Exercise. Nothing bounces my mood through the roof better than getting my heart rate up a bit. Walking outdoors is one of my favorite. Bouncing on the rebounder makes me feel like a Tigger. And dancing fills my heart with joy and love.

7) Reading. I love to meet new people and transport myself to another time or place. I love to learn and explore new ideas. And all without leaving the comfort of my home or spending a dime (thanks to an awesome library system).

8) Gardening. I'm already starting to window shop for the varieties I want to try this year. I love growing unusual fruits and veggies that I can't buy in the store.

9) The Farmers Market. I love meeting other people who love growing and eating fresh healthy food. All of the colors and varieties, and the experience of interacting with and supporting the people growing the food directly. The whole atmosphere of a Farmers Market feels so alive and wonderful.

10) The blogosphere. So many people, so many perspectives. It is so fun to read everyone's stories and thoughts, see their lives. I have to be careful or I can spend my entire day just reading blogs.

If you have read this far and you haven't made your happy list yet, consider yourself nominated. Write it ASAP! By the time you hit number 5, you'll be feeling FANTASTIC.

Celebrating the New Year of the New Me!

2010-01-03T23:08:00.005-06:00

I am ready for big things in 2010 and have started out the New Year living my intentions.

January 1st, I fasted on water with the lovely folks at the Naked Food Cafe. I have been enjoying lovely fruits and greens since then. I even served tater tots, a long-time cheat food, to my family today without popping a single one in my mouth. And I didn't feel disappointed at all. They actually kinda stink.

I got a cheapy little electric orange juicer yesterday and we made our first yummy OJ today. My 10 year-old set it up for me and read the directions, and he and the girls did a lot of the juicing while I made the rest of the dinner. Fun and delicious! It was easy to go through 8 lbs. of oranges in one meal, however, which brought up some of my fears about money and the price of feeding my family quality food. Deep breath. Letting it go for right now.

After only 3 days without salt and other junk, I am already feeling a lot less achey and bloated than I usually do. I had fun rebounding vigorously for 30 minutes, as I recovered from my respiratory illness much more easily. However, I have had a little bit of trouble with the timing and quantity of my food, so I am undereating and a bit hungry. Not to worry. I have ripe bananas and frozen raspberries, so I will have a nice big meal for breakfast and get back on track. I also have lots of Barhi dates. Mmmm.

After some research, including this article by Don Bennett, I decided that our family are all going to take a Vitamin D supplement. I am not thrilled about this, but have decided that it is the best we can do for our health in our current location. I have been dreaming a lot about our future tropical paradise where I will grow fruit trees and bask in the glorious rays of the sun year-round. (Hear that, universe?)

I am so happy to have my family and friends, especially the lovely online raw community I have found through this blog, and to celebrate the reawakening of my hope and joy in this lovely New Year.

New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-01T11:32:00.004-06:00

I have this nasty little habit. I focus on all the things I haven't accomplished or succeeded at. If I have a list of 10 things I want to get done, and I do 8 of them, I feel disappointed and obsess about how I could fail to accomplish those last 2 items. Not surprisingly, I have gotten to the point where I feel afraid to name an intention, set a goal, or make a to-do list, because I am afraid I will "fail."

Isn't it ironic that even now, telling you about my bad habit of focusing on the negative, I am focusing on the negative. LOL!

So, here's to not having any New Year's Resolutions. Here's to finding ways to enjoy, celebrate, and feel good all the time. Here's to being present with my decisions in every moment, without shame or guilt. Happy 2010!

Fruity Filled Fitness Challenge

2009-12-26T01:15:00.007-06:00

Sarah from Living the Fruity Life set up this challenge to help motivate us all to fit in a little more fitness. In the past I have had the following mindset when it came to challenges like these:

"I should work out more."
"I must force myself to be virtuous and work hard."
"I have to do my workouts so I won't embarrass myself or let others down."

Not surprisingly, this created a lot of resistance within me, and led to a lot of procrastination. Usually, I would drop out and do even less exercise than I was doing when the challenge began.

This time, I have a new perception of challenges.

"I don't have to force myself to do things I don't like in order to be healthy."
"I feel great when I get physical activity."
"Challenges are fun... like solving a puzzle or playing a game!"
"It is my choice each moment... I can work out for 1 minute or 100 or not at all. I can start and not finish or change what activity I am doing midstream. Being in choice feels free and fun!"
"Joining with others on a challenge is a fun way to connect and build community."

As a result, I am exercising almost every day now with joy.

Under new management...

2009-12-22T01:45:00.004-06:00

The other day, on the way to a party, I told my children that I trusted them to choose what they ate, and to accept the consequences of their choices. I literally said, "I am no longer going to be the boss of what you eat." And this time, I said it with an open spaciousness, not through clenched teeth, like I have in the past.

Today, in a counseling session with the lovely Sarah Peyton, I had a nice dialogue with my inner manager. You know, God Bless her, this little manager has worked overtime the last few years, with the best of intentions. She just wants everyone (including me) to be healthy and happy. She has done a lot of research and she really has the secrets. But nobody listens to her! Probably cuz nobody wants to be bossed around. So, she is retiring. She is going to trust me to make decisions from a deeper place of wisdom and self-love. And she is going to trust the children to do the same. It took awhile for her to express her fear that we are all going to eat ourselves to death. Then she calmed down and seemed to be looking forward to the vacation.

Which came first, the food or the feelings?

2009-12-09T00:27:00.005-06:00

"I don't know why, but I feel like ice cream," said my husband this evening. "I can't be hungry. We just ate."

Depending on which raw food teacher you ask, the reason for my husband's sudden craving would be different. Most would fall into one of three camps. There is the "you haven't eaten enough" camp, the "junk food is addictive" camp, and the "emotional eating" camp.

When I ate exclusively lowfat raw vegan for four months, I underate the entire time. I thought it was really no problem, because I was overweight and overfat. According to traditional dieting advice, I was doing great calorie-wise. I ate an average of 1500 calories a day and was probably burning more like 2200. Mainstream diet sites and articles suggested that my suggested calorie range was 1200-1600, and as long as I didn't eat less than 1200, I was not undereating according to them. This fit my preferences--I was having financial difficulties and sometimes resorted to dumpster diving to get enough food. Also, I was finding it difficult to stretch my stomach to the increased volume of food I was eating. And of course, I wanted rapid weight loss results. I lost about 40 pounds in those four months, the first time I had ever successfully lost a significant amount of weight. I was so proud!

Then I got tremendous cravings. I began fantasizing about nachos, a former favorite food that had become repulsive to me in the preceding months. Now they were looking mighty good to me. I was struggling emotionally and socially, and trying to work through all of my "issues," but this was nothing new to me. If anything, I was feeling increasingly empowered and happy as I experienced increasing physical health and success in losing weight. I realized that most of the reason I was fantasizing about nachos was that I was just plain hungry and made plans to eat more.

But, before I had fully implemented my new eating plan, there was the fateful binge. After a party where everyone around me ate a lot of junk food that was "off limits" to me and an argument with a family member, I ate a whole lot of junk food and got really violently ill.

I felt horrible and defeated and out of control. It was like a switch had been turned inside. In the next four months, I would fast in the morning, eat fruit and salad during the afternoon and dinner meal, and then after everyone else was in bed, I would indulge in what Taco Bell likes to call the "fourthmeal." I gained 40 pounds in 4 months.

Was it hunger, the addictive power of salt, grain or casomorphein, or was it my lack of emotional poise?

I have read several success stories out who claim that sticking to a lowfat raw vegan diet brought them out of their mental and emotional funk, all they had to do was stay the course, and learn to eat enough fruit. There are a couple of teachers who continually beg raw foodists to eat until true satiation. They stress that overeating on fruit is "impossible" because when your body has had enough, the food will no longer taste good.

There are others who decry this as overeating. Humans need much less food than they think, these teachers argue, and most overeating is emotional. Some say that raw foodists should ease themselves through the emotions of transition by overeating, even overeating fat, in the beginning. Many of these teachers claim that they need less and less food as time goes on.

Then others use the language of addiction or other therapies. Some argue that a 12-step approach is best, while others suggest taking the time to develop the emotional and social skills needed to cope without turning to food to numb one's feelings.

After hearing all of the conflicting arguments, I have come to believe that none can stand alone as the "correct" answer.

I have watched the "eat more" group loudly cheerleading people who really need empathy and emotional support. I have watched the "eat less" group fall off the wagon repeatedly because they just haven't figured out that they're hungry. I have watched loads of people, including me, eat ourselves into oblivion, using fat, starch, and salt as a shield against feeling pain and panic.

We'd all like a quick fix, a magic bullet. We'd like life to be simple. There is no simple. We chose this path because we realized just "going with the flow" and eating what our culture says to eat has painful consequences. We want vibrant health and happiness. And that means we have to explore all aspects of our health. Listening to the teachers who have blazed the trail before us can be helpful on the journey. But it is no substitute for listening to ourselves.

So, next time you find yourself craving nachos or ice cream take time to really listen. Is it the food or the feelings?

Love thy neighbor as thyself

2009-12-05T00:37:00.004-06:00

Everyone loves themselves best, don't they? Not really. Many of us Earthlings are swimming in insecurity and self-loathing most of the time.

"Love thy neighbor as thyself..." Perhaps Jesus (or his ghost writer) assumed that most people naturally had a high self-esteem. Or perhaps, this teaching is much more profound than initially meets the eye. To love one's neighbor, one must first love himself. I know what you're thinking... you've heard that so much, it's practically cliche. But I heard it with different ears today.

I am reading Mary O'Malley's awesome book, The Gift of Our Compulsions: A Revolutionary Approach to Self-Acceptance and Healing. If you have ever wrestled with eating as if fighting a mortal enemy at any point on your raw journey, I highly encourage you to read this book. It is helping me! Today I read and reread the chapter on "Loving Yourself from the Inside Out." This quote hit me right between the eyes,

"Trying to be different from or better than what you are in order to be okay will never work, for it is based on the belief that you are not okay right now."

But what if my trying is important? I think to myself. I need to be better, healthier, more moral, more successful. I have to. I can't love myself until I am worthy...

Uh, who said that?

I realized that in the past, my attempts at self-love weren't real. They were strategies. They were tricks I was trying in order to convince myself to do the things I thought I had to do in order to be worthy of my own love. Whoa!

Then I got scared. Well, if I don't have that motivation, those moralistic judgements about myself, then won't I just turn into a fat lazy selfish slob who does nothing but eat chocolate and watch bad reality t.v.?

Well, let's look at the results of my strategy. Years of struggle and pain and poor health. Hey, I still eat a lot of chocolate and watch a lot of bad reality t.v. Hmm...

What if I just accepted and loved myself as I was, with no agenda? If I just loved myself and had no demands or conditions on that love, wouldn't I eventually start choosing things that would be gifts to myself. I would choose health because it feels good. I would choose exercise because it feels good. I would choose the yummiest food (cuz really, it is. Trust me, after you leave your favorite junk food behind for a few months and then try it again, it really ain't that great. In my experience anyway.)

But the most important lesson is perhaps that if I do not love myself, then I have wasted my chance here on Earth to give to others.

Baby detox, maternal guilt

2009-12-02T01:14:00.002-06:00

You see a sweet little bright-eyed baby. I see a sweet little bright-eyed baby with puffy eyes and a double chin.

With my first three pregnancies, I did the best I could with the information and skills I had at the time. With Simon, it was the Brewer diet, which focused on getting 100 grams a day of protein. I also started eating meat again, with the encouragement of my midwife, because my iron was very low (a long story which is discussed in my bio in the archives). And I ate a pint or two of Ben and Jerry's a week (now did I truly believe that was for the health of the baby?). With Keziah and Salome, I had discarded the protein myth and begun to move away from dairy. I also stayed vegetarian, although I remember having a few cans of salmon. I also had added a bit more exercise in... But emotional eating and overt fats were a big part of my life. I had high blood sugar in all of my pregnancies.

My babies were quite big from birth, and only gained in girth from there. My youngest daughter was 9 lbs. 10 oz. at birth and 26 pounds at 6 months, exclusively breastfed. I got continuous compliments about how fat she was, and I took personal pride in having supplied the calories. LOL! When I came to the low fat raw vegan lifestyle, she was 2 1/2, and I realized how my high-fat diet had adversely impacted my babies. I always thought that if I ever were to have another baby, I would do it all right!

Well, I can say that my diet and exercise improved dramatically from my earlier pregnancies, but it didn't match up with my knowledge... And so I feel a great sense of disappointment. I would like to be the best mom possible for my children, and I feel a sense of regret that I haven't been.

I feel grateful that I can stay home and nurse my little guy. I know I have contributed to his health when I see the glow of his skin, his bright eyes, his intelligence, curiousity and enjoyment of life. He has never been truly sick, although he did get a cough and runny nose when the rest of the family had a bout of the flu in October. He is very active and can already crawl rapidly, stand unassisted, climb three stairs, and walk easily around the furniture.

I find it interesting that his poop is different than my other babies. It looks like sweet potato baby food. My others had poop that had curds of fat in it, like cottage cheese. I can only assume this is an improvement connected to my decreased fat consumption. Of course, if you have ever been around formula fed babies, you have seen and smelled the dramatic difference in their poo. Uck!

But I can always see the consequences of any less-than-ideal food I eat on my little guy. Though his poo isn't fatty, he is a little on the chubby side. Born weighing 9 pounds even, he is 22 pounds at 8 months. He stores fat like his mama, in his saddle bags. LOL! And have you ever seen an 8 month-old with cellulite? Poor kid. Also, if I have a fatty binge (Halloween, anyone?), I notice he gets oily wax discharge from his ears.

If I eat beans, he gets gas. I haven't figured out what exact food gives him the puffy eyes, but they only come around after I've eaten something less than optimal.

The worst part is that he is so interested in what we eat now. He sits in either my lap or Jason's during dinner and reaches for everything. We let him grab lettuce or pieces of fruit to taste, but push the cooked food out of his reach. He watches us fork it into our mouths with the intense look babies get when they first begin to explore eating. I feel sad to think what we're imprinting into his brain.

I know that guilt has no real benefits. I do not change my behavior because I feel guilty. But my awareness is expanding. I see now how loving myself and caring for my own health, can impact the health and well-being of all those around me, especially my precious children.

Setting myself up for success...

2009-11-28T18:12:00.005-06:00

I bought 14 lbs. of organic bartlett pears today at a cost of $30. Actually I purchased $175 worth of groceries, but the pears were the purchase that triggered an odd mixture of anxiety, frustration, happiness, pride and determination. You see, I want to eat the foods that are optimum fuel for my body (and my baby's). I am tired of waking up every morning with foul-tasting dry mouth, aching hands and feet, and the other myriad of symptoms I suffer from my cooked dinner.

But the problem is bigger than reaching for a plate of rice rather than a delicious smoothie at 6 p.m. The problem starts much earlier. I can only choose from what is available to me. Currently, I simply do not ever have enough ripe good quality fruit available in my home to choose to eat healthfully for a entire day.

Which brings us to the anxiety about buying $30 worth of pears. The thing is, we spend an insane amount of money on food in relation to what we earn. We have financial difficulties, and not just related to our food budget, and relationship difficulties about how to handle our financial difficulties. So you can see why $30 worth of fruit might be a landmine. It was all I could do not to be whisked away in the aisle at the store--spinning into guilt about past choices and into worrying about the future and how I could fix it.

In an attempt to derail the wave of anxiety overtaking me, I suddenly found myself in the midst of frustration instead. My choices are so limited and often low quality for a high price. The organic apples are double in price but bruised. The citrus, both organic and nonorganic, is unripe and sour. The bananas all are shipped and gassed on the same day, every other week, leading to a feast-or-famine cycle. The fantastic grapes I had last week are all gone. I am excited for my dates to arrive, but downhearted at the thought of an entire $30 going to ship them. So much of my money is tied up in things I wouldn't even need if I lived in a climate suited to humans--snow boots and coats for the kids, hundreds of dollars a month on heating, salt and snow removal. Suddenly, it occurs to me that I am whining... a lot!

I begin to feel grateful. Here are these gorgeous pears, my favorite variety, on sale. Instead of buying just a few, I load up on them, taking almost all they had. I am lucky to have a lovely family and a nice warm shelter from the winter weather. And I have $175 (nope, no credit card debt!) to spend on groceries. All of my financial worries aside, I have the money to keep the heat on and my stomach full and boots on my kids feet. And honestly, if I hadn't bought the pears, I would have spent the same amount on junk food or condiments.

Suddenly, I was feeling proud and optimistic. I was consciously choosing to purchase a quantity of quality fruit ahead of time, so I wouldn't find myself stuck with nothing to eat but cooked food. I was staying present with what positive options my life has available at this point. I cannot be in Costa Rica right now, but I can buy pears instead of tater tots. One step at a time. One more frown turned upside down. LOL!

Connie, a fan letter

2009-11-24T23:14:00.005-06:00

I have just finished catching up on the last year in the life of Connie, author of several awesome blogs including Naked Food Cafe, and founder and leader of the forum of the same name.

I have been a fan of Connie since way back, when she had blogs that may not even exist in cyberspace anymore... I remember the old Naked Food Cafe with high-fat raw recipes. I remember her blog after that with the blue background with psyfi graphics, although the name escapes me. I remember Banana Island and how upbeat and positive it was, with beautiful pictures and yummy recipes. I loved Connie's writing style; her intelligence, wit, curiousity and magical imagination. I never, ever was bored when I read her entries, and I often felt thoughtful, inspired, and uplifted for hours afterwards. And then of course, there was Connie's kindness, her openness and tolerance, and her interest in others. She always took the time to answer comments, and to read and comment on the blogs of others, including mine. When I moved, Connie sent me a simple hand-made housewarming gift, a gesture which I still treasure.

I always wondered, though, if a person could be "real" in a blog. Certainly in my own blog, I felt that there were times when I was only portraying a part of my feelings, or a fragment of my experience. When Connie abruptly posted that she was leaving Banana Island to follow the McDougall Diet in the interest of family harmony, I felt confused. Huh? What did I miss?

Imagine my delight to catch up Connies most recent blog entries and see a whole person revealed. When Connie shared her moments of fear walking in the park after a young girl in her town was killed, or her moments of shame when she found herself in a fast food drive-thru, in spite of her best intentions, her moments of frustration as she wrestled with her compulsion to battle with the number on the scale, and her triumph when she kicked that scale to the curb, suddenly I realized... Connie is showing me the way. It is safe and ok to live my life out loud in front of others.

In the last year, I have been to the abyss. When my husband and I broke up, I believed I didn't have a single friend to turn to... No one to give me a big hug and listen to me pour my heart out for hours. But the truth was, I probably could have reached out to a number of people. I could have blogged and gotten support and encouragement from those far away. I did not, because I was ashamed. I was ashamed to tell the truth about my feelings. I was afraid to appear vulnerable. I was ashamed to be honest about behavior that I regretted. Paradoxically, obeying my fears created the things I was most afraid of... loneliness, despair, loss. The more Connie shares about her struggles and her regrets, the more she seems to grow in confidence and radiance. Opening ourselves to truly experience our fears and sadness also opens ourselves to truly experience joy and true friendship.

So, a shout-out to Connie, for inspiring me yet again. I will now confess that I have a secret fantasy that I will show up on Connie's doorstep this winter to get a hug and a smoothie. Just not a grapefruit one, 'k? LOL! Love you!

I'm married to a rock star!

2009-11-22T22:51:00.005-06:00

My husband is in a band called The Sound Surround. He's the guy on the left, and that's his "little" brother on the right. I'm thrilled that he can have fun and be creative and live one of his long-time fantasies.

I'm baaaack!

2009-11-22T01:39:00.002-06:00

I admit it, I've been a chicken... Since my last post a year and a half ago, I have spent most of my time struggling with myself and hiding from everyone.

So many changes, it would take a book-length post to update you all on them. But here's the highlight reel. I tried to force myself and everyone in my family in a journey of radical self-development, some of which was documented on this very blog. I ran smack-dab into my deep emotional wounds and lack of interpersonal skills. Homeschooling crashed and burned. My family life crashed and burned. I broke up with my husband Jason (meanwhile, unbeknownst to us, we had conceived our lovely baby boy Qian, pictured above). Our children moved with Jason to the small town where he teaches and went back to public school. I began working 50 hours a week at two new jobs, and spent the weekends with the children.

We planned to divorce and give the baby up for adoption, but by the third trimester we could not bear to do either, and chose to reunite and welcome our baby to our family. Meanwhile, Jason had a very serious health crisis which left him insulin-dependent and suffering from severe neuropathy. He has only partially recovered. I have moved back with him and am down to one job, about 10 hours per month. I am just enjoying my family immensely. But the struggles and compulsions that I have wrestled with my entire life are still present daily. I want to engage them with curiousity and compassion, rather than an endless cycle of self-violence.

I have been exploring my emotional health in new ways, and am finally ready to rejoin the world. I missed my community here, and hope to reunite with you all.

Settling in and enjoying Spring

2008-05-04T12:46:00.005-06:00

This blog is going to be sporadic at best from now on. We don't have internet service at home, and I am focusing on family time and working in the gardens (both the big market garden and the community garden). Believe it or not, I'm also starting to go to bed and get up early. I'll let you know when I get healthy, wealthy and wise. LOL!

Anyway, we are still settling in to our new home. It had sat unused for many years, and we are close to a major highway, so there is a LOT of dust. Today, we have started hanging pictures and arranging things so that it almost looks like a real home.

Spring has been alternating between frigid, windy, rainy days and lovely warm sunny days. We have been enjoying all of the nature around us. Every morning the kids and I take a little walk around. There are calves and kittens, and a robin sitting on 3 bright blue eggs in the little pear tree behind our house.

So far, I have participated in planting onions (plants and sets), fava beans, potatoes, parsnips, and peas. Well, there's at least one thing I eat in there (guess which one.).

Believe it or not, Farmer's Market starts in 2 weeks!

Happy Spring everyone.

I Want FRUIT!

2008-04-17T13:34:00.002-06:00

And by that, I mean, RIPE, ORGANIC, fruit. Sigh. It is soooo hard to get any decent fruit right now, except for the ubiquitous bananas, which I am sorry to say, I don't like much.

I have been getting conventional Texas watermelons for $8 apiece a lot lately. Unfortunately, less than half of them are properly ripe, despite my attempts to properly thump and scrutinize them.

Further personal updates... The irresponsible compost pile has been moved. We got a warning notice from the city that we had 4 days to get rid of it or get a citation. It took over 70 5-gallon buckets to move it! And, it was stinky and heavy. The groundhog is sad. I saw him run up to the spot where the pile used to be and look around in confusion, then run back to his burrow. We left him some apple cores at his front door, and they were gone the next morning.

We are finally moving this week. The house is completely ready, and we are on our way.

The community garden project is kicking off another season, and we are seeing a huge increase in participation. I am beginning to learn to delegate and to relinquish my control freak tendencies, with great results. I couldn't be more enthusiastic about how wonderful it is going.

And maybe it's just the sunshine, and birdsong, and warming temperatures, but I am feeling optimistic about almost everything.

Quick update

2008-04-08T12:16:00.003-06:00

Spring has finally arrived here in Northern Illinois. Thank goodness! When it snowed on April 2nd, I thought I might snap. The next day, it was 50s and sunny. Whew.

We are STILL moving. Our projected move date was going to be March 1st, and most of our stuff is in the new house, but we have had a plumbing delay that required the ground to thaw. I have been relaxed up to this point, but now I am beginning to feel a little frustated, because most of our stuff is already there, and my busy season approaches with planting and such. However, I feel optimistic that the delays will soon be over, and I will then have to find something else to complain about.

At the farm, the cows have begun to calf. There are four so far. And we have had some animal excitement here in town. A groundhog has moved in under our gazebo, and has been munching on our irresponsible compost pile. The kids and I have enjoyed watching! My husband has given the little critter a ridiculous name (can't remember it right now), and it prompted us to do a little research. Did you know that "groundhog" and "woodchuck" are names for the same animal?

The kids and I have been getting much more active... walking, gardening, and playing outside.

I am still not back to 100% lowfat raw where I want to be. I have some more to learn about loving and accepting myself. But I am confident that I am going in the direction I want to be going, so it's just a matter of continuing to walk forward.

Self-Awareness

2008-03-24T22:32:00.002-06:00

I have been wanting to share so much about what has been going on in my self and my life... but I struggle to even find the words to describe the dramatic and powerful changes that are going on in my self-awareness. Now, I am feeling such joy that I am going to write about this no matter how incoherent I sound. LOL!

If you had asked me a year ago, "Are you self-aware?" I would have not understood the question. But, I would have convinced myself that I did, and I would have been convinced that I, of course, was very aware of myself. I would have backed that up with a whole lot of judgements of my skills and talents and flaws and quirks. In other words, my self-awareness was just above zero, with zero being dead. :)

Here's the analogy to the changes I am experiencing that makes sense in my head. Whenever I moved to a town or city, no matter the size, I always felt overwhelmed in the beginning about how to navigate. So, I would map out, out of necessity, routes to the places I needed to go to do the daily business of life. I could get from my house to school, from my house to the grocery store, from my house to the library, etc. But, I couldn't get from the grocery store to the library. I had no idea how the whole map looked, how far things were from each other, or what the neighborhood in between looked like. Gradually, through exploration, I would eventually "fill in the map." Within a few years, even a large city like Chicago seemed quite simple to navigate because I understood the pattern of organization of the streets and the transit system, and had a general knowledge of the different neighborhoods and where they were in relationship to each other. No matter where I might find myself, it was easy to immediately collect clues about where I was in relation to everywhere else in the city, and quite quickly, I could envision where I was on the map.

Now, finally, I believe I am starting to fill in the map that makes up me, and my relationship to the world and other human beings. Suddenly, I am seeing the connections everywhere. I have stopped looking at my feet, as they plod forward, step by step, and I've started to look up and actually seeing what is around me.

Sometimes, I lose my sense of direction and feel lost. I can't access what I am feeling or needing. I can't see options or recognize anyone else. But those times are coming fewer and farther between. I can experience the sense of being lost without despair, because I know that I can just look around me, and learn! Next time I am here, I will remember it, and I will know the way.

Papaya Passion

2008-03-23T00:01:00.005-06:00

I absolutely LOVE papaya, which is ironic, because I don't live where they grow, and the quality of the papayas I have available is third rate at best. I always joke that it's a race to see if the papayas I buy will ripen or rot.

I get the big Maradol papayas imported from Mexico for 99 cents a pound at the Mexican fruit markets in a nearby city. The Hawaiian papayas cost at least $2.50 each (about a lb.) and they are usually poor quality. I love this little place called Mi Dos Patrias (My Two Countries), a little convenience store-sized market with narrow aisles and great big pinatas hanging from the ceiling. Not so nice is the stink of the carniceria in back! I go in and buy all of their papayas, usually 30-40 lbs. worth. They must wonder who this crazy lady that shows up every couple of weeks and wipes out their papaya supplies.

I didn't grow up eating papaya, and I don't remember the first time I tried it, but it was college or after, during the period when I had started experimenting with food beyond the fare I grew up with.

A funny papaya story. I gave birth to my youngest child at home with my husband and two female friends. I had some ripe papaya in the house. About two hours after the baby was born, at sunrise, I was suddenly ravenous! I told my husband to go and cut up papaya for us all to have for breakfast.

Both my friends, who were pretty with-it hip kinda girls, admitted that they had never tried papaya. I was shocked! But thrilled, as well, because now I could offer them this special food on this special occasion. It was a ripe, sweet and juicy papaya. In my ravenous, oxytocin-drenched state, it was the best food I had ever tasted. Imagine my surprise when they both hated it. My one friend said, "Will you be offended if I spit this out?" LOL! I wasn't offended, I was just unable to comprehend that anyone wouldn't enjoy this delicacy. However, I was more than happy to eat all of their papaya after I finished mine.

Someday, I will eat tree-ripened papaya under the warm tropical sun and I will celebrate birth with each bite!

5 Things You Don't Know About Me

2008-03-19T07:53:00.004-06:00

I got tagged by Margi. Glad to see you posting again! I think Margi's raw blog might be invitation only, so here is her other one, Flora the Forager, where she talks about her other interests.

This assignment was hard... is there ANYTHING I haven't shared about myself on this blog already? Good grief. Well, here are some things that might be buried somewhere on this blog, but most of you probably don't know.

1) I have 6 sisters and 4 brothers, all younger than me.

2) My middle name is Frances (rumored to be named after a childhood sweetheart of my Father). When I was in Kindergarten, my Dad got mad because my teacher had me practice spelling it Francis, like a boy.

3) I don't like apples, especially mushy ones. I don't like bananas much either, unless they are mixed with another fruit in a smoothie, or covered with date sauce. Or sometimes, if I'm really hungry, and the banana is just perfectly ripe, but not overripe.

4) As a kid, I played the piano and the flute, but haven't in many years. I just got a piano off of Freecycle and I am very excited.

5) I have a huge pile of fruit peels in my back yard. A very irresponsible "compost" pile! I also have a worm bin in my kitchen.

Durian fun

2008-03-08T00:23:00.002-06:00

Sarah of Living the Fruity Life shared the sweetest picture of her son chowing down on his very first durian and weighed in on the "stink factor".

I was smitten with insatiable curiousity about durian after hearing about followers of Doug Graham talk about spending the durian harvest in Thailand, cycling hundreds of miles a day and monoeating durian. I was intrigued by the pictures and description of the fruit, whose scent was compared to "dog poop" and "rotten garlic." Apparently, while the fruit is wildly popular, it is forbidden from many enclosed places, such as train stations and buses, because of its stink.

I tried searching online for places to find durian in Chicago, thinking that on our annual summer trip, we could locate some. That did not come to fruition, although I did have lots of fun fruit adventures there.

Imagine my surprise when I found durian in Rockford (about half an hour away) in a neat little Asian grocery called The Golden Market. The owner was happy to give me tips on how to open and eat the large spiky creature that reminded me of a medieval weapon.

My first go at durian was quite enjoyable. I found the opening of the fruit challenging, but fun. The scent was noticeable, but not unpleasant. All three kids and I enjoyed the taste and creamy consistency immensely.

I began buying durian every couple of weeks. I soon found that some were more fragrant than others, to my husband's dismay. I soon found the taste and texture, while still pleasant, did not appeal to me as something I wanted to make a meal of. My son now refuses to eat it. But my two daughters are regular durian fanatics, and will insist that I cut them immediately when we buy them, which is impossible because they are frozen rock solid. Have you ever tried to explain to two crying children why you simply can't open a frozen spiky boulder now?!?

Now, for a funny durian story. I went to a conference on local foods with a colleague/ friend at Starved Rock State Park. As a joke, I brought her some durian, which she had never heard of before... partly because it's the antithesis of local food for us, and partly because it was a particularly smelly durian. She has a lot of jokes about smells. LOL! Anyway, we arrived late in the evening and had to eat in the bar. She ate a sausage pizza (the kitchen was closed and all they had to eat in the bar was pizza), and then we broke out the durian. She tried a bite, and I ate the rest.

Soon we noticed one of the patrons who had been seated at the bar talking urgently to the bartender. They then began sniffing around and moving through the room. I overheard their conversation and realized that they were concerned that there was a gas leak. I was amused and embarrassed. I waited for a moment, but as the bartender headed for the phone to call someone in to check the pipes, I 'fessed up. No gas leak; just a stinky durian, I apologized. Fortunately, everyone was polite, even if they thought I was a total freak. LOL!

Earth Hour

2008-03-06T09:56:00.000-06:00

http://www.earthhour.org

Change takes time

2008-02-19T14:40:00.003-06:00

I am learning this... the hard way. I get an idea, an inspiration, something that rocks me to my core. It can be absolutely true! But it's not going to just manifest overnight. Sorry for all you fans of the Secret out there. I don't just get to will myself to be in Costa Rica tomorrow, and wake up there.

I have been bemoaning how challenging it can be to wait for the changes I seek. This morning, while reading through my Enki philosophy guides, I stumbled upon more wisdom about growth and learning. Growth or learning is a process of moving from the known, to the unknown. When we move to the unknown, we must go at it slowly, moving from our stable home base, out into that unknown. If we jump, all at once, into something completely foreign, then we will shut down, and learn nothing. But, if we never leave the familiar and safe, then we never grow. We must learn to accept and embrace our fears and challenges. We must be prepared to learn from ALL experience, including the mistakes. And we must be patient and put in the work! We can't expect to learn to surf or garden or play the guitar in one week, and then give it up when we don't immediately succeed.

Right now, my son tells me almost every day... "I don't care," or "I don't believe you." He is talking about many things. Our move. Homeschooling. Traveling to Costa Rica. The low-fat raw lifestyle.

But I see a glimmer in his eyes that tells me he is hopefully watching. He is waiting to see if *I* really believe what I say I believe in. He is trusting me to be the leader, even when he claims not to believe in anything I say.

Confession...

2008-02-15T20:44:00.003-06:00

Hi my name is Marjorie, and I am an English teacher. [Hi Marjorie...]

Sometimes, I don't post, not because I don't have a lot to write about, but because I am afraid I cannot come up with a coherent and well-written post. You can take the composition teacher out of the classroom, but you can't take the red pen out of her head. Or something goofy like that.

So... here, in random order, with no attention to coherence, flow or style, and with no revision or polishing, are a bunch of things that are going on in my life.

1) We are getting ready to move in less than a month. This move is a huge step forward for our family. We will be giving up the house that is too expensive for us and a burden to maintain, and moving to something we can afford. We will be living where I have my garden, which will mean that our lives will be simpler, and that the whole family can be more involved together in producing our own food.

Of course, I have a lot of anxieties and frustrations about the preparations for moving. Part of it is the crazy trap of thinking all of our stuff must be pared down and organized perfectly before we go. I have been alternating between procrastinating, and worrying, and then Freecycling like crazy. Starting tomorrow, I think I'll cut out the procrastinating and worrying and cut straight to the Freecycling and donating and packing.

2) We have been making some huge changes in our financial lives. Maybe, just maybe, we're ready to start living consciously and creatively in this regard, instead of acting like victims.

3) We are taking a Nonviolent Communication parenting class. You may hear a lot more about that in future posts. Right now, we are all struggling to live together in peace and harmony. But I'm beginning to believe that maybe, just maybe, it won't be a struggle forever.

Ooey, gooey, oh so delicious!

2008-02-04T20:34:00.000-06:00

We finally got our dates today. The Date People are awesome folks with an even more awesome product, but they aren't exactly "all business." You might have to call, wait, make a couple of calls, and wait some more. But trust me, it is soooo worth it.

We ordered three varieties that we have never tried before: Halawi, Barhi, and Amir Hajj. All three are phenomenal, and quite unique.

Considering the amount of calories in one date, they are extremely reasonable in price. And, of course, they are extremely kid-friendly. My son says they are his favorite food, and frequently talks about how he plans to move to California when he grows up so that he can catch fish and grow dates.

Human Design

2008-02-02T13:41:00.000-06:00

I recently read Nurtured by Love, by Schin'ichi Suzuki, and was absolutely floored that a man who lived through a terrible war, at times forced to scavenge river bottoms for moss to eat, could have such a deep faith that human beings are essentially creative, beautiful and loving.

Among the lessons I gleaned from the book:

1) Humans are a product of their environment and training. Immerse your child in a world of love and beauty, and they will flourish.

2) Practice makes perfect. Forget the myth that you have to be born with some sort of special talent to do something. Simply practice the skill you wish to attain over and over and over (thousands or hundreds of thousands of times). He encourages us to look on such practice as play. Enjoy learning! In fact, he taught himself to play the violin at age 17 by listening to records and imitating them. Talk about dedication.

3) Don't grumble, scold, or manipulate children. Just model the behavior you want them to display.

4) If you find yourself procrastinating or resistant to achieving your own goals, it is probably because you were coerced as a child. (I felt a strong and deep understanding of this, based on my own experience.) Find away to talk to yourself with love, but be persistent and determined to achieve what you want.

5) Surround yourself and your children with people of culture, wisdom, and creativity who model the values you wish to emulate.

Reading about Suzuki's life, I wished with all my heart to believe that all humans, deep down, are born to be bringers of light and love and beauty. I wanted to immediately connect deeply with every person, to see their inner light (Namaste--I bow to the god within you), to "grok" them fully as Robert Heinlin would say.

But practically speaking, I think there is something missing in this picture. A recent conversation on the Path of Health about personal appearance led me to reflect on my own observations of human design. By design, I refer to the particular quirks that all members of a species share.

Humans are the animals that must try everything. We have put literally everything on the planet in our mouths. There are people who eat sheep intestines or raw whale blubber and call them a delicacy. Who figured out how to take a hard, tasteless grass kernel and turn it into bread. Seriously, who was the first person to dig a muddy carrot or a turnip and try a bite?

We have tried to live in every environment we encounter, no matter how inhospitable. Why would you want to live shivering in a frozen wasteland that is dark almost all day, for months out of the year? Whose idea was it to build huge cities in the middle of the desert?

If we can conceive it, we try to build it. We are inventors, improvisers. We rely on the magic of our imagination! Most of the time, we do things JUST BECAUSE WE CAN. It doesn't have to be a good idea. All ideas must become reality.

This is reflected in the way we approach our appearance. No other animal goes to such amazing lengths to alter their form. And yet, we do such incredible violence to ourselves in the process. Tattoos, piercing, pouring toxic chemicals on our hair, coating ourselves with colored minerals. Then there are more painful traditions such as foot-binding, neck lengthening and circumcision.

Why? Why are we so deeply dissatisfied with ourselves, as Nature (or Goddess or whoever) created us? We stamp our feet like little children. "NO! You can't make me. I MAKE MYSELF!" (Even if that means I make myself ugly, evil or sick.) But deep beneath this seems to be the little voice of dissatisfaction that both spurs us to greater heights and drags us into deeper despair... "You are not good enough," it whispers. This little voice may be the only human design flaw.

I choose not to listen. I celebrate my animal nature. I let hair grow in the color and places it wants to. I eat the food I was designed to eat. And very soon, I plan to move back to the tropical warmth where I belong.

I'll save my creativity for creating art and beauty. Maybe I'll teach myself to play the violin.

Inspirational Blog Award

2008-02-01T17:03:00.000-06:00

I was sooooo thankful to receive this award from Connie, at Banana Island Getaway, since she is one of my biggest inspirations! However, I have now found out that virtually everyone who inspires me has already gotten the award from someone else. Well, shoot.

I want to say that I get my inspiration and support from all of YOU, but most especially the bloggers whose links I provide on the right.

I am not going to tag anyone else, but I do want to send out a huge thank-you to everyone who shares their raw journey with me through their blogs. And I want to thank all of the people who stop by and read my ramblings. Blessings to you all!

Accepting imbalance

2008-01-28T22:08:00.000-06:00

Well, there are significant improvements going on inside of me!

I first took a bit of inspiration from Enki philosopy...

"In order to really learn something new, we must suspend the world we know and just receive or take in the new, in its own right. If we don't do this we are only re-learning what we already know. Opening to the new does require welcoming or at least accepting a kind of imbalance, what Piaget calls a disequilibrium."

Beth Sutton

Oh, so it's o.k. to be dizzy? LOL!

Fear of failure. Why? If I constantly derail myself, then I have already failed. Better to accept that everyone wobbles, falls, and then stands again to move on. Better to be patient with myself as I learn.

"When our fundamental confidence rests in our inherent wisdom and vitality, and not in what we know or own (our territory), we will welcome this disequilibrium."

Beth Sutton

I believe we are all, by design, gifted with wisdom and life. It is buried under a layer of fat, maybe. We might drown it out with idle chatter, with learned fears and entrenched habits. But we can find it, if we look and listen.

What IS the problem?

2008-01-24T13:47:00.000-06:00

In a nutshell, I never calm down. I have never been able to feel a peaceful sense of moving steadily through life, meeting challenges with excitement and confidence.

No matter what is going on, I perceive emergency, chaos, and distress, followed by swings into joy, excitement and optimism. Up and down and round and round till I, and everyone around me, is exhausted.

And THIS is the problem.

Increased Self-Awareness, Contrast, and other Blessed Irritations

2008-01-20T09:35:00.001-06:00

When I went raw, I was shocked at how sharp my sense of smell and taste became. I was also pleasantly surprised to find that many symptoms I took for granted disappeared. I hadn't noticed them because they were so much a part of my life... That achy, lethargic, groggy feeling I woke up with every morning? Turns out it's a "food hangover", not just a result of turning thirty, or bad genes, or "not being a morning person."

So, imagine my dismay, when I began eating poorly again, at having all of my gains disappear and all of my symptoms return. Actually, they seemed worse. Are they worse? No, I am not being "punished." It's just a matter of noticing these things more now that I know what it's like to feel better.

In a way, this increased self-awareness has been the one thing that my detour to SAD land can't erase. And I am grateful for that. Grudgingly grateful.

I know my detour has been temporary, because now I've seen the promised land and want to go back.

Busted...

2008-01-17T12:15:00.000-06:00

I have not been cataloging all of my struggles here as often as I was, mainly because it feels defeating to write about them day in and day out.

But if I could recap the last 4 months for you, they would be as follows: I have been freaking out about virtually everything. Money, family relationships, my ability to parent and homeschool, etc. and so on. And, I have been medicating myself heavily with junk food.

However, as we are transitioning our kids, I have been sticking with the program in front of them, and sneaking the junk food in the evenings after they are in bed. I know it's a bad situation, but it is the best I could come up with for now.

So, the other day, I am out for a little walk with my three kids and a woman comes out to the curb to pick up her garbage cans. She stops and looks hard at me and says, "Oh, hi!" "Hello." I say. Although she looks vaguely familiar, I don't know who she is. "I'm your Taco Bell drivethru lady," she explains, seeing the look on my face.

Good grief! How small is this town? How often have I been to Taco Bell? I don't have THAT memorable of a face, do I? Sheesh. It's like the universe was sending me a message.

"What does that mean, Mommy?" my five-year old innocently asked.

Turns out my kids don't even know what a drivethru is. Well, there, at least there's one thing I'm doing right.

Thoughts about cooking...

2008-01-12T22:27:00.000-06:00

I took up cooking when I was pregnant with my oldest son. I think it was a subconscious bid to become a "mother" like my own mother. My mother always cooked meals from scratch when I was a kid, and we ate very little processed food.

So, I started reading Cooking Light and Vegetarian Times religiously and checking out cookbooks from the library. I secretly knew that I was a better cook than my mother, but I did share her penchant for getting distracted and burning things.

When I discovered the raw 80-10-10 way of eating, I was spending approximately 3-4 hours per day preparing meals.

Now my food prep is down to an hour or less.

At first, I felt a little bit of discombobulation... who knew so much of my identity as a mother was so tied up with my role as family cook?

However, now I realize what freedom I've stumbled upon. Free time to spend with my kids in meaningful activities we all enjoy. And freedom from worry that someone won't like the food I've spent so much time on. I used to really get hurt if the kids didn't like a recipe.

I'm glad to put that ugly issue behind me at least! Good grief.

And, I am not adding to my collection of scars from burning myself, or stinking up the house when I accidentally burn something (again). :)

I don't like waiting!

2008-01-05T17:17:00.000-06:00

The waiting is the hardest part

Every day you see one more card

You take it on faith, you take it to the heart

The waiting is the hardest part

from The Waiting by Tom Petty

Actually, I can stand in line just fine. I don't usually race around trying to find the shortest grocery lane. I don't harumph with irritation if someone is 5 minutes late to meet me.

But when it comes to the changes I want to see manifest in my life, I really feel anxious and well, impatient.

I don't want to spend another week desperately hoping that we won't run out of money for food. This has gone on literally as long as I can remember, no matter what our earnings. We ALWAYS run out of money to pay all of the bills or have to subsist on bananas or dumpster gleanings for the last 3 days before payday.

I don't want to spend another winter shivering and feeling blue from lack of sunlight.

Is impatience a lack of faith? Possibly. Possibly I don't really believe I can create a stable financial situation or ever have the courage to start my life over in a new place. Perhaps I don't have faith in myself. Perhaps I am afraid to make some sort of "fatal" mistake if I make huge changes.

At this point, perhaps impatience is simply a symptom of system overload. I literally cannot take this amount of pain and stress for much longer. I have reached the end of my tolerance. Much more, and my spirit may sicken and die.

Second Verse, Same as the First!

2007-12-31T22:15:00.000-06:00

O.k., so the day started off a bit badly. Feeling crappy in the morning (a side effect of my past months of poor eating and stress). A disagreement with my husband.

Then it got better. Made up with my husband. Took a much-needed nap. A long walk in the winter wonderland. Oak trees with their golden leaves covered in snow. Why haven't those leaves fallen, I wonder? For my aesthetic appreciation? I approve! And sloggin' through that powdery white stuff sure works the glutes. But how is it that I still don't own any boots?

A nice family dinner (raw) and a fun dance party. We made New Year's wishes. The kids were pooped by 7:30 and went to bed. I can hear my hubbie breathing heavy in his chair downstairs and it's only 10 p.m. Ahhh.

I'm feeling utterly optimistic about 2008. My year to feel GREAT!

(Now, I might have to come read that over and over when the cleansing symptoms start. I could feel the burning in my nasal passages this morning... I'm ready, though!)

O Happy Day

2007-12-30T22:02:00.000-06:00

Nice to put something more positive at the top of the page.

So, I promised my daughter no more junk food. That felt good. Now I can't go back on my word! I feel great about that. Ready.

If I freak out, I'll just have to punch somebody. *grin* Just kiddin'.

Today, I got outside and went sledding with the kids. Got a free Ab Slide from a nice Freecycler. Worked out. Spent a great evening with my 3 year-old doin' kid stuff.

Today's Food

9 a.m. 6 oranges
12 p.m. Smoothie w/ 8 lrg. bananas and 1 1/3 cups raspberries
5:30 p.m. Big plate of lettuce w/ tomato-orange-celery blended for dressing
7 p.m. Smoothie w/ 6 lrg. bananas and 1 c. raspberries

Cal. 2400 (almost exactly what I burned!)

Christmas... sigh

2007-12-25T21:11:00.000-06:00

I don't even feel like telling a sad story. So I won't tell you one.

Today, my girls enjoyed painting with their watercolors. In fact, the dining room is covered with lovely abstract paintings and pictures of rainbows.

We walked downtown to the movie theater late in the afternoon and saw Alvin and the Chipmunks, which was tolerable for the adults and enjoyable for the kids.

I finished the evening by fighting with, and then making up with, my husband, and then eating half a cheese pizza, a whole bunch of corn chips, and some chocolate truffles. I then read Sarah's blog about feeling the lovely tingly feeling of well-being when she eats her fruit. Imagine the antithesis of that. That's what I feel...

Well, tomorrow is another day. I choose what to make of it.

Faith and Freedom

2007-12-21T18:58:00.000-06:00

Yay! I got my spark back. Or, better yet, I found a spark I never had before.

So, I've been making huge strides lately, and I hope you'll indulge me as I glow a little.

First, I actually faced my mother and told her the outright truth (I won't go into the details because they're no biggie. But just saying them out loud and being honest about my feelings was a big hurdle for me). And, to my surprise, she accepted me! She actually told me that although our beliefs were different, she knew that "I was a person of faith," and that we shared the value of "loving others as ourselves." Wow. I told her that she was an inspiration to me and that she had helped me become the person I was, which is really true.

Another big step... I have been moving forward this week on tasks I have been procrastinating on for years. I have been repeating inwardly, "It is safe and o.k. to let go of all that I no longer need." And it is.

I have also stopped feeling so anxious, rushed, and stressed. I have realized that true emergencies are rare! A problem that is not "solved" immediately is not the end of the world.

Finally, I have done some major work with Elchanan from Path of Health and I can't say enough about how my life is changing as a result. I am embracing my faith... Faith that I can learn and grow and change. I can accept and love myself. I can love others as they are, and further, I can choose what I give and receive from others. (I realized that I often felt I needed to force my information on others to save them... like a missionary! And I can see now why that approach doesn't accomplish anything or help anyone.)

Finally, I have come to undrstand that we are born FREE. Free to learn from all situations, the good and the irritating.

I have been working to learn what it is that I seek when I head for junk food. The surprising answer... I am seeking to block out my own negative judgements of myself. When I lose faith in my ability to create financial resources, or parent effectively, or create and sustain close relationships, that is when I want to binge.

If I can trust that I am always learning and growing, that I will always do my best, and that my best is good enough for this moment... IF I CAN JUST HAVE FAITH (enter choir), then all is well.

Is that hope on the horizon?

2007-12-15T19:48:00.000-06:00

The other night, someone said to me, "This is who you are..." And they went on to describe me better than I could describe myself. There was a sort of thrill and relief that went through me.

I do not have to try to be someone I am not just because I am afraid of rejection. Because I will NEVER feel happy pretending. WOW! Sounds simple, but I assure you, it's a big breakthrough for me. More to come, I hope.

I am now done with my library job. The sweet kids gave me tons of hugs. The kindergarteners gave me a book that they made. The teachers brought me fruit and veggie trays, chips and salsa, and a gift certificate to a bookstore. I enjoyed my time there, but am happy to be done. My last formal job ended so badly (getting fired basically), so it is nice to have done well at this job and be appreciated. I know this is not a job I would want to do as my life's work and so I can move on without feeling like I "failed" or lost out in any way.

The "last day" was strenuous, and that along with the stress my body has been put through lately, I went to bed at 6 p.m. last night and slept 14 hours. I guess I needed it!

Tonight, I am SO excited because I joined the Fruitarian Fitness 90 Day Body Challenge. I want to feel fantastic again! Anyone else in?

Should it be this hard?

2007-12-07T13:00:00.000-06:00

I am home sick today, sick because I have not been taking care of my health. I am chronically stressed out, eating 80-10-10 on and off (and when I'm off, it's really off... like eating 4000 calories of potato chips, Taco Bell and candy bars off.) The weather is cold and snowy, so I haven't been forcing myself to go outside and walk. Blah.

After sleeping all morning, I am surfing the 'Net for inspiration. I stumbled across the Ultimate List of Raw Food Blogs and began visiting those I wasn't familiar with. What hit me at first was that it is shocking how many people are struggling the exact same way I am. On and off raw and/or low-fat, and almost 100% of it is emotional.

How did we, as humanity, end up so unhappy?

Which brings me to my 3 year-old. Yesterday, my husband and I were having a very deep philosophical conversation about the nature of life. When I say deep... let's just say that philosophers such as Rousseau and Hobbes were mentioned, as well as Eastern philosophies/ religions such as Taoism and Buddhism. All of a sudden, in response to something one of us said, our 3 year-old interrupted emphatically,

"Life is NOT rotten."

We had no idea she was listening, let alone able to follow the conversation... We swiveled our heads around in amazement and she gave us the sweetest smile and said,

"Life is pretty."

Well, there you have it... We all just have to go back to our 3 year-old selves somehow.

Our New Thanksgiving

2007-12-01T10:45:00.000-06:00

This year, we decided to begin to break away from the toxic traditions and behaviors from our past and begin to establish our own family tradition that is more in line with our values. We value togetherness, love and gratitude. We value health and happiness.

We were very afraid to simply say to our families, "We are not coming to the Thanksgiving gorge this year, because ____________." We also realized that it would be futile to say, "We are coming, but we will only participate in our way." We have tried that in the past with no good results.

So, in lieu of brutal honesty, we chose escape. We planned a small trip to Madison, to a Holiday Inn that has a small indoor waterpark called Crawdaddy Cove.

Our children, particularly our oldest, were a little skeptical. The night before we left, he spent quite some time crying and listing all of his fears about how horrible the trip would be and how upset he was that he was going to miss out on turkey and Cartoon Network at Papa and Grandma's. However, as you see, he revised his opinion and all the children had a great time.

For our Thanksgiving dinner, I prepared a surprise plate. It LOOKS like an ordinary salad, right?

But this surprise was hiding beneath. The children enjoyed uncovering the design and eating "special occasion food" such as raisins, figs, and raw peanuts.

After dinner, we read three special Thanksgiving stories, all humorous and with the theme of sparing the turkey. I read A Turkey for Thanksgiving, by Eve Bunting, illustrated by Diane DeGroat.

Our son read A Plump and Perky Turkey, by Teresa Bateman and illustrated by Jeff Shelley.

My husband read 'Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving, by Dav Pilkey.

I will rate the whole experience as a qualified success. My husband and I had a bit of trouble relaxing and enjoying ourselves, preoccupied with many major decisions and changes facing our family soon.

Crawdaddy Cove was just o.k. The chlorine was overpowering and our five year-old got sick from it.

Next year, our Thanksgiving trip will hopefully be an utterly joyous occasion that will take place somewhere with fresh water and sunshine.

I'm Back (I hope)

2007-11-20T17:30:00.000-06:00

Don't want to jinx it, but this is Day 3 of all raw.

I've been eating lots of papaya, which is quite possibly my favorite fruit. We got some good citrus, too. And I tried some of my Fuyu persimmons that I got at a major bargain price--2 forty pound cases for $70. Not totally ripe yet, but still sweet and yummy.

I am experiencing some cleansing symptoms already, such as an intermittent headache, a rash/ hives that migrate around my body, and other mild irritations.

I feel a lot less dehydrated, bloated, and backed up, though. So that makes up for it. LOL!

Someone (Elchanan from Path of Health) suggested that every time I feel a craving, I should stop and try to explore what might have triggered it. This has helped somewhat. Sometimes, I realize that I feel upset about X, but I can't really solve X at this point. So it can be a little frustrating.

My husband and kids and I are taking a mini-trip for Thanksgiving to an indoor waterpark. We hope it will be a time to really bond as a family. I may end up in bed the whole time.

Rewards and Punishment

2007-11-17T20:33:00.000-06:00

I remember when I thought of eating healthy as a habit to be checked off on a chart with a gold star. I proudly, religiously (some might say self-righteously) ate my 5-9 fruits and veggies a day. Actually, the more veggies the better--more nutrient-dense, dontcha know. Every serving of whole grain, home-cooked, vegetarian food was an antidote to my vices (overeating, ice cream, cheese, smoking).

I liked "healthy" food, too. I loved my stirfries with 8 or 10 different locally grown veggies, brown rice and tofu, seasoned with herbs, "good fats," and salt. I loved the little fruit I did eat.

Then, I learned that virtually everything I had ever learned about nutrition was wrong.

Suddenly, I started viewing everything I put into my body that wasn't food for a human--dairy, grains, tubers and crucifers, oils and salt--as a check mark against my good record. I no longer delighted in my virtuous consumption, only worried about my sins. (Of course, I'm exaggerating a bit for effect.) I worried about food combining and how early was too early to eat in the morning.

Now, I'm just starting to scratch beneath the surface of all of this behavior to find the real issues lurking beneath. Can I love the little girl inside and meet her needs without training her to respond to praise and punishment?

Looking for Joy

2007-11-11T13:16:00.000-06:00

Have you seen her?

I was just looking at my picture to the right. I look pretty happy, don't I? Actually, I was faking it in that picture. I remember the day that it was taken. I remember feeling unhappy about many things that day. I remember that a couple of hours before that picture, I had eaten a high-fat raw meal that was sitting like a big brick in my stomach. Still I did feel a sense of happiness that I could show off my newfound physical beauty in a picture. I did feel appreciation for the beautiful weather and the gorgeous flowers around me, and appreciation for the opportunity to spend the day with my family on an adventure. Overall, I felt hopeful at that time that my life was on an upward trajectory.

So, why did I ruin it by feeling the need to project a false sense of perfection to the world? Look at me, I'm a perfect raw vegan, I am saying.

If I took a picture of me now, I would look much different. My body is swollen and bloated and overweight (over 20 lbs. in 2 months!). My hair is greasy and at an awkward stage of growth. My skin is dry and lustreless. I am wearing an expression of malaise, unhappiness, and even possibly, anger. I'm wearing the same pair of tattered, mismatched sweats for the second day in a row, for God's sake. LOL!

I can say, however, that my insides match my outsides. I am not faking anything. I am just feeling what I am feeling. And I'm saying it out loud in public.

I feel like I am ready to go on a search for REAL FEELINGS OF JOY! Not for some glossy image of perfection to portray to the world.

Stay tuned!

30 years of problems take more than 3 minutes to fix

2007-11-03T20:26:00.000-06:00

"Am I in heaven here or am I in hell? At the crossroads I am standing."

Sarah McLachlan

One conversation that I see repeated numerous times on raw forums is when newbies state that they have been raw for a number of weeks or months and they have not seen their symptoms disappear completely or their energy soar. Invariably, the wise sages appear and assure them that a lifetime of damage cannot be repaired in such a short time. So, be patient, stay the course, have faith, they are counseled. Some do, some fall by the wayside. Such is life.

I am trying to apply this lesson to my emotional struggles. Be patient, stay the course, have faith. Will I survive? Or will I be left laying on said wayside, a casualty of my own special collection of trauma and weakness?

Today, I was feeling under the weather and contacted a person I was scheduled to meet to beg off. She expressed concern that my illness was caused by my raw vegan lifestyle. Actually, her words were, "I wish you would consider eating more."

This is the umpteenth time this person has expressed her concern that I am going to kill myself or my children with my crazy diet.

I could not contain a derisive laugh. Hasn't she noticed that I have gained 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks, I asked her? I have been eating lots of foods on her approved list, huge amounts of calories.

"Brown rice?" she pressed. Yes, my problems are definitely caused by a brown rice deficiency.

She is just doing her best, I reminded myself. Feeling a disgusting combination of guilt and fear, I went on to explain to her, honestly, that I was going through a lot of emotional difficulties and that I felt uncomfortable being subjected to her judgements. I played the "miscarriage" card (I had a miscarriage last year at this time), which was possibly a bit dishonest, since it isn't at the top of the list of what is really bothering me, but I felt I had to say something.

She apologized profusely, for not being aware that she was letting her judgement show through. In other words, she doesn't think she's wrong, she just thinks its wrong to make another person uncomfortable by sharing her correct opinion. Sigh. I feel frustrated by my inadequacy at standing on my own.

I want this to be true:

"All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore.
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh.
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath

and if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love."

Sarah McLachlan

Fruit Fun

2007-10-24T19:24:00.000-06:00

A lovely papaya tree: coming soon to my back yard? Not!

So, I'm still struggling and suffering. LOL. Thanks to all of you who have left supportive comments on my blog. I really do appreciate it.

However, I don't want to talk about that right now... I want to talk about something crazy that happened today. Today, I cut open a ripe papaya (a Maradol variety from Mexico) and the seeds inside were all sprouted. Some had little tails, but some had actual seed leaves on them. Whoa! I've never seen that before. By the way, there was nothing wrong with the papaya. It was quite good.

I also had a ripe Hachiya persimmon tonight. I liked it! My husband got it at Woodman's in Rockford when he went to buy our son's birthday present. We don't go to Rockford much.

Our local grocery store just got Fuyu persimmons in. I was very excited, since I have been reading about persimmons on Banana Island and on Harmony's blog. They didn't have the price posted yet, but I decided to take a risk and put 3 in my cart for us to try. I got to the checkout with my persimmons and the rest of my fruit. I was tired and starting to zone out as the cashier was ringing everything. I suddenly began paying attention when the persimmons rang up at $4.97. "Wait!" I said in alarm, "How much are those a pound?"

"Oh, we sell them by the each," said the cashier. "They're $1.50 each." To put this in perspective, let me tell you that these persimmons are the size of a plum. And they are $1.50 each! Needless to say, I only got one persimmon, not three. It is still ripening on the counter. I hope to be able to tell you soon whether it is as extravagant as its price.

Finally, my son's birthday was yesterday and we celebrated the occasion with a combination of his two favorite fruits, apples and dates. We made an apple-date pie with a date crust, shredded Fuji apples, date sauce (made with water and dates) and a tiny sprinkle of Chinese 5 spice powder. (Recipe courtesy of the Path of Health, Chinese 5 spice our variation...) We all enjoyed it! Now, if only I had a photo. Note to self: charge the camera batteries the day before all birthdays. LOL!

Struggling

2007-10-16T16:09:00.000-06:00

I have been working on a lot of personal issues and it is hard work, let me tell you!

I have been binge-ing on junk food fairly frequently and feeling generally bad about myself, which is why I haven't been posting here. But I feel like I am ready to stop feeling horrible and start feeling good again. It is AWEFUL to know what it's like to feel good, and yet to continue to make yourself feel bad. Sigh.

To add insult to injury, I have had an itchy rash all over my face and sores in the corner of my mouth for the past 4 days. Enough! Really...

There are exciting developments in other areas of my life, however. My husband has joined Path of Health and has been eating 80-10-10 raw for almost a week now. We are reading the Nonviolent Communication book Language of Compassion. We are working on our homeschooling vision as well.

And, I have been offered a job opportunity to work with my farmer friend Phil next summer. Will I do it? The successful class I had with young children in the community garden seems to be leading me to make some changes in that project as well.

Stay tuned.

Feeling the Love

2007-10-08T20:40:00.000-06:00

I am so grateful for the outpouring of support from my friends! Wow. I am also disconcerted a bit by all those online and in my own life who have responded with their own questions, fears and skepticism.

I am thankful that people feel comfortable sharing their concerns and asking their questions. At the same time, I feel a bit nervous taking on the role of expert or even role model. I share my own personal experiences with the hopes that they will help others feel confident to try 80-10-10 out. I encourage anyone who has questions to go to Dr. Graham's VegSource Forum or the PathOfHealth Yahoogroup. These folks really ARE experts and role models.

I guess I should clarify for those of you who might wonder... I have ZERO doubts about the health, safety and normalcy of eating a diet of raw fruit and tender greens. That's right, folks, I truly believe that this is the way that humans are designed to eat, and that anything else will result in less than optimal health.

I also know that as Dr. Graham says, it's direction, not speed, that counts. I am going in the right direction again, thank goodness!

Two-Week Detour

2007-10-07T18:30:00.000-06:00

Two week detour, much like the famed "Two Hour Tour" gone awry, only without the Skipper and Marianne.

Seriously, though, maybe you've wondered where I've been. It hasn't been a happy place!

Two weeks ago, in response to feelings of frustration, anger, fear, and loneliness, I decided to eat some SAD "food." I knew that I would get sick, but I still chose to do it. However, I had a new awareness of my body's reactions to taking in these foods that I had not experienced before when I ate them fairly often.

Within an hour, I could feel my entire body rapidly dehydrating. My throat and mouth got very dry and then my lips. I could feel my hands and feet swell. I felt a comfortable numbness throughout my entire body for about the first hour--a heavy (but not unpleasant) sensation in my stomach, a slight fogginess in my thinking, drowsiness. Then, however, I got a knotted, painful sensation in my stomach. I heard gurgling noises. I also felt unsatisfied. I felt like I "needed" more SAD food. So I ate more. I went to bed feeling heavy. I slept fitfully, waking often to drink water and remembering strange dreams. My stomach hurt but not as much as I had worried it might.

However, the next morning, I threw up and had diarrhea forapproximately 6 hours. I was incapacitated for the whole day. Iimmediately had increased vaginal discharge (something I had since puberty but went away on 80-10-10). Also, I got a mild yeast infection for a day or two. Then next day, I craved more SAD foods. My stomach was still visibly bloated and gurgling. I later ate more SAD foods throughout the next two weeks. I noticed less symptoms--my body no longer produced diarrhea or vomiting--but I got severe heartburn, which felt like someone was literally kicking me in the esophagus. I gained about 10 pounds in one week, which I assume to be mostly water-weight and colon backup. My hands are slightly painful and swollen in the morning. My skin is oilier and I have some minor breakouts. My scalp is also oilier and a little flakey. My workouts were more difficult and I had less energy. My bowels were immediately irritated. I had gas and a bit of constipation.

The other annoying thing I noticed is that I never felt satisfied after eating the foods I "craved." It was never enough!

The interesting thing about experiencing these physical and mental symptoms was that they were all familiar. I had experienced these symptoms before with regularity before, but never paid much attention. Some of the "milder"symptoms I attributed to age or the natural course of things. The more severe symptoms I chalked up to a bug, such as the "flu." The dissatisfaction and cravings I had attributed to my weak willpower or "stress." Somehow, adding back all these symptoms made me appreciate more clearly how I had not been experiencing them at all in the past 3 months of 80-10-10.

So, self-love, where are you? I feel like I was doing great and then I just fell into a pit of despair and self-loathing. Now, I gotta claw my way back outta here.

Today was Day 1

10 a.m. 1 cup of heirloom cherry tomatoes (a gift from a friend)
11 a.m. 3 large Bartlett pears
Noon Smoothie with 7 med. bananas, 2 cups frozen raspberries
3:30 p.m. (Having baaaaaad cravings!) a large quantity of lettuce and 2 cups cherry tomatoes
7 p.m. About 2 mangoes and 2 C. tomatoes blended into a soup

Total: About 1700 cal. (I can afford to be a little low after a week of eating 3000 cal. a day)

A Day's Menu

2007-09-25T20:33:00.000-06:00

I have been lax about posting what I eat in the past weeks. Give me a break, I'm working full-time now. LOL!

Anyway, here's today's food...

7 a.m. A smoothie made with 6 medium bananas and 1 1/2 cups of frozen mango
12 p.m. 2 1/2 cups red grapes, 1 cup heirloom cherry tomatoes, 3 leaves of romaine
5:30 p.m. A smoothie made with 7 medium bananas and 1 cup frozen mango, a salad with 4 C. local red leaf lettuce, 2 C. chopped heirloom tomatoes, and 3 large Medjool dates for dessert

Total: 2200 calories

Perfect for the amount I expended.

I did some walking, running, calisthenics and strength training and aerobics today. Sounds like a lot, but only added up to 40 minutes... Better than the 15 minutes I've been getting for the past few weeks.

Celebrate good times

2007-09-24T16:53:00.000-06:00

Our new kitty, Rover (otherwise known as "Nugget"--the name my 3 year-old gave him)

My daughter with a sunflower head that's bigger than her head! Actually, that was one of the smaller heads.

My son enjoys fresh sunflower seeds.

I have so much to be thankful for in this life, although sometimes I get caught up in moments of (self-created) stress and depression and forget to count my blessings.

We have a new addition to our family--a cute little kitten named Rover (or Nugget). He came with a distended belly, gas and diarrhea, which cleared up immediately on a diet of raw meat. We considered worming him, but his rapid improvement indicates that giving him a species-appropriate diet was all that was required. He is a frisky, happy, cuddly little guy and very tolerant of being "loved" by our three year-old. Unfortunately, our other cat has not accepted him yet, and is spending 24 hours outside to avoid poor little Rover. Hopefully, Bart will come around and learn to tolerate his new housemate soon.

This weekend, we had a fabulous children's class in the community garden. Thirteen children, ages 3-10, came and used their 5 senses. They sniffed basil, mint, and dill. They collected flowers and seeds and leaves. They felt furry lambs-ear leaves. We caught and examined grasshoppers. The kids dug and played in the dirt for quite some time. They pulled carrots and harvested summer squash. Some didn't even know that carrots came from the ground, or what squash was. They each got to help cut a huge sunflower head and got their photo taken with it. They sampled local apples, garden tomatoes, sweet peppers, the carrot they pulled, and the squash they picked. A few tried sunflower seeds. It was great fun for all! Honestly, it made every time I felt overwhelmed or frustrated with this garden project fade into the background. It was ALL worth it to enjoy this with these kids.

So I am for this moment, grateful and happy. I wish you all well.

Healing

2007-09-22T12:14:00.000-06:00

I have a bad habit of thinking of myself as completely healthy now that I eat raw.

I tend to forget that I've only been eating 80-10-10 for a few months and that although my health has improved dramatically in that time, I still have years worth of toxins to dump and massive healing to be done.

On Tuesday, I stayed home sick from school. I had a low-grade fever in the morning and a very runny nose. I didn't eat much and I slept most of the day. Interestingly, I had 6 bowel movements (all "normal"). I felt pretty light and cleaned out. Maybe my body was spending more time repairing my bowel, which had been pretty irritated for the last 2 years or so.

I felt much better on Wednesday. Ideally, I would have taken another day off just to rest and recover fully, but I don't have paid sick leave, so back to work I went.

I feel good thinking about all of the repair work my body is able to do without me consciously directing it. All I have to do is "stay out of the way" by not consuming toxic substances and resting properly.

Germ Theory

2007-09-17T20:36:00.000-06:00

One of the more controversial tenets of Natural Hygiene is the belief that germs do not cause illness.

The argument is the following... All disease is caused by toxemia. Toxemia is caused by toxins building up in the body. Toxin buildup results from consuming foods inappropriate for our species (meat, milk, grain, cooked food...) or from other practices that thwart the body's ability to cleanse metabolic toxins. So basically, if you are emotionally unhealthy, if you don't exercise, if you don't get the rest and sunshine you need, toxins can build up.

Your body then produces a response to remove the toxins. Throwing up, sneezing, runny nose, for example, are all ways for the body to rid itself of toxic matter. Symptoms are the healing itself. Symptoms also alert your conscious mind to perform actions that assist healing, such as fasting or resting.

What about those bacteria that we can see on a microscope? Well, according to NH, the germs are opportunistic organisms that actually are assisting in the healing process. Bacteria are consuming toxins or performing other functions, not attacking us and causing illness.

Without delving deeply into all of the convincing evidence that NH teachers use to support their theory, let me just state that I generally am convinced.

But I am challenged by a couple of unanswered questions:

1) Why do I have the same cold symptoms that my kids had a couple of days ago, and that some of their daycare compatriots had last week? The usual argument would be that we have similar poor habits that build up toxins and so our bodies simply are cleansing simultaneously.

But I'm the only committed raw fooder in the bunch. Why should I have similar symtoms as my kids who ate tons of sugary baked goods this Saturday and a bunch of meat and milk consuming daycare kids?

2) What about stuff like rabies?

So a long drawn-out way to say... Waaah, my nose is running. LOL!

Three Lousy French Fries

2007-09-14T17:28:00.001-06:00

Well, folks, after eating 100% raw exclusively since April 29th, I finally had my first cheat.

During lunch today, I ate three crinkle cut fries (no salt, no catsup) off of someone's plate. Why? Well, that's a darn good question. I don't remember being really self-aware at that moment. It's not like I did it without thinking. It's not even like I felt compelled by an overwhelming craving or even a strong desire for the fries.

I do remember thinking... all this time; is it worth it to "break the streak" for some lousy cafeteria fries? The answer was, no. They were cold, tasteless (I was a bit suprised that they weren't salted or chemically at all--I believe my tastebuds would pick up on that stuff). They were quite mushy in texture, not because they weren't cooked properly, but because potatoes are mushier than I remember. They also had an unpleasant, starchy potato taste and a slightly oily sheen to them. Very bland. Not sweet.

So why did I do it? Honestly, I'm not quite sure. I do know that I ate less than half the calories than I was supposed to yesterday and this morning was forced to choose between unripe bananas and unripe honeydew melon. I have been quite crabby about food. There have been no ripe bananas to be had in my entire town (5 stores I've been to and all the bananas are the identical shade of pale yellow tinged with green). Local melons are on the downswing. My garden is cashing out. So, I feel very disappointed with the lack of good food choices available to me. I have also been feeling pretty frustrated by not having enough money or the right location to access quality food.

Also, I am not getting enough rest and I was particularly stressed at my job today. But I didn't feel like I was eating "emotionally" at the time that I did it. I feel frustrated that I still lack the self-awareness to understand why I am choosing certain actions. I want clarity, darn it! Clarity about what I want and why.

Well, now I know that I don't want french fries.

I was a bit afraid after I ate the fries that I would get ill, but I had no noticeable symptoms. My mouth was very dry and bad-tasting in the afternoon, but I have had that symptom for weeks. I drink LOTS of water and don't eat salt at all, so I don't know what this symptom is telling me.

Isn't Nutridiary cool?

2007-09-09T19:42:00.000-06:00

(In case you're wondering, the first pic shows my calorie distribution in upright bars. The blue is for carbs. It also tells my weight and body fat percentage when I started Nutridiary in August and as of today. Get out your magnifying glasses. LOL! The second chart shows calories burned vs. calories consumed. The bottom line is calories consumed. As you can see, I haven't been eating enough, but am getting closer now.)

Nutridiary is so fun to play with. I love charts and graphs and detailed information. But, really, how much time does it take out of my day to chart every bit of food I consume and how much I exercise and how big my waist is. And then to scrutinize these fun graphs... Sheesh! Just go eat some watermelon and be done with it.

Knowing how many calories a computer system estimates I should eat is helpful, to a point. But really, at some point, I have to move past that and be able to tell my actual body's signals for hunger and thirst. And I have to build a life that allows me to eat what I need, when I need it, which is not currently the case. (This need is also extended to all of the rest of my being's needs--rest, sunshine, exercise, spiritual fulfillment, emotional ease, etc.)

So, I have been thinking about this a lot. How to manifest my REAL life, the one I'm meant to be living.

A further update. The difference in my mood and cravings and my ability to work out is unbelievable after just a few days of getting my calories up. I am still working at it.

Also, I am trying to work especially with my oldest son, who is undereating as well. We had some good talks and some good smoothies this weekend.

Improvements already!

2007-09-06T21:31:00.000-06:00

Day three of getting those calories up there. Already I'm noticing significant improvements! The cravings are massively lessening. And, I ran a full lap around the track at a pretty good speed without feeling like I was going to die.

Too tired to post much more. It's been a super-busy week at work with the Open House and the Book Fair lasting late into the night on Wednesday. And packing the Book Fair (along with the rest of the job).

I also was at the Community Garden tonight. Lots of stuff going on there. There are amazing sweet potatoes to harvest and sell soon.

Today's food

7 a.m. 6 nanas and 1/4 large head iceberg
12 p.m. 7 nanas
6 p.m A huge salad of the rest of the head of iceberg, a mango, 2/3 of an avocado, a huge red heirloom tomato, and a yellow tomato
7 p.m. A few pods of okra while harvesting

1880 cal. C-F-P 84-10-6

A couple hundred calories short

Transitioning from weight loss to health maintenance

2007-09-04T20:56:00.000-06:00

I had a really helpful conversation with my Path of Health mentor Seena last night. Together, we talked through some of my more recent challenges.

Here's the basics... I'm not eating anywhere near enough to fuel my activities. I am losing weight, but not dropping body fat and building muscles. I am having cravings for SAD foods because I am hungry.

I thought I was having trouble recognizing the signs of "true hunger," but one reason for that might be that I'M HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. Duh. Seena also thought that I might be confusing hunger with thirst, since I am drinking way more water than a non salt-eating raw fooder would normally need.

So, using Nutridiary, I can see how many calories I actually need to eat on a day-to-day basis, and I'm actually going to do it.

Once I have the money to buy enough food. LOL!

Seena encouraged me to try using smoothies to get over my banana aversion. She also suggested that I eat before work, even though it is earlier than I'd really like to, because otherwise, I don't get a chance to eat two solid meals during the daytime. She encouraged me to research the most calorie-dense sweet fruits (bananas and dates, in case you're wondering) and eat 'em up! And, she said once I start fueling my body properly, I can exercise more vigorously and see the body fat drop and the muscle-building I'd like. So... feels exciting to have some ideas how to get going. Thanks again, Seena.

Today's Food

7 a.m. 10 cups watermelon (Got a stomacheache. Not sure if it was the watermelon, which was just a tiny bit under-ripe, or if it was the speed I ate, or eating so early. I felt really bad for 20 minutes)

11:45 a.m. 7 medium and 3 small bananas

4:45 p.m. Leftover 2 cups watermelon from breakfast

6 p.m. Salad with red leaf lettuce, okra, zucchini, heirloom tomato, and yellow pepper

7 p.m. A large mango

Cal. 2048, C-F-P 89-4-7

Only 60 calories short! Not bad for day one.

Where've you been, Greenmama?

2007-09-01T12:30:00.000-06:00

I am so happy to have a long weekend to relax and rejuvenate! I skipped the Farmer's Market today as my partner was out of town (that makes 4 out of the last 5!) and I just felt I needed the break.

My job is going better than I feared. I really enjoy the children and being surrounded by books. The rest of it sucks, but the first two things make it doable. My kids are enjoying school, although we've already had some difficulties there. They are a bit overtaxed by the long intense days and tend to be tired and irritable at certain times of the day (usually when we have to get ready to leave and time is of the essence). So, we're surviving.

We are again completely out of cash. We don't have enough money to buy food or gas to get us to work every day next week. Of course, we'll manage somehow. We always do. Next week will be my first full paycheck and it will also have some extra hours for the Book Fair, so that will be fine.

I am doing some Dynamic Self-Discovery one-on-one sessions with Elchanan and our first session focused on my ability to create resources. "I am ready, willing, and able to have and to spend whatever money my heart desires--now." I still feel like that is such a wonderful thing to say and I can't wait until it is true. I am ready, willing, and able... o.k., not "able" at this point because there is no cash. LOL! Another gem, "When you have more, you have more to give." That feels really wonderful. There are so many people and causes I would love to give more to. So, in order to give, I must be able to receive. I have to receive the abundance that is out there for me before I can share it. (Where is it, though?)

On the raw food front. I am still eating low fat raw vegan. I have been eating mostly local watermelon, with a few bananas, and tomatoes, okra, cucumbers, and squash from the garden. I have been a little lax on my greens, every third day or so. Yesterday I had a lot of green leaf and romaine. My community garden box has a lot of salad greens that are about 1 1/2 inches high, so I'm looking forward to eating those soon.

On the exercise front, I have been consistently getting 15-30 minutes of walk/jog in on my lunch break at work. It's nice to get the sunshine and the exercise helps me feel better. I need more exercise and want to build more muscle and core strength. But I feel so exhausted by the end of the day that I am just collapsing. About the most I can get myself to do in the evening is read a little bit of the new Harry Potter. Even if I do have any spare energy, I feel like I need to do things like dishes and laundry and packing lunches for the next day.

At the suggestion of the Path of Health group, I set up a free account at Nutridiary. I have always used SparkPeople and they have nice features, but Nutridiary is a lot more helpful because they add up the calories you burned and subtract the calories you ate and give you a total--how many calories are you over or under-eating. Wow, I am consistently undereating by quite a bit. I was ingrained in the dieter's myth that as long as I was eating more than 1200 calories, I would be fine. But my activity level burns significantly more than that. That could be why I have lost 2 pounds in the last 2 weeks and why I am experiencing a lot of food "cravings." The cravings are more like obsessive thoughts, rather than actually WANTING to eat foods. I can go into the cafeteria and buy the foods like French fries or nachos. I don't do it. I could. I don't even feel like I am stopping myself from doing it.

But yet, I find myself thinking about these foods and even remembering what they taste like. Sigh. Part of me wonders about the theory I've heard about cravings being triggered when you burn fat, because the fat was created by those foods and particles of them are released into your bloodstream. I used to think it was absurd, but now I wonder.

Anyway, I usually feel better if I just EAT. But I sometimes have to delay because of my schedule. And, we just don't have much food. Bananas are the solution, but I procrastinate eating them. I don't really like bananas much. I don't hate them. I just feel blah about bananas.

So, that's me, right now. Here I am. Greenmama, out.

Tuckered out!

2007-08-27T19:03:00.000-06:00

My kids started school today. They enjoyed it for the most part. I had a busy day at work. Looks like they're all that way. I enjoyed some of it. It's challenging for me to feel utterly exhausted by 6 p.m.

Tonight I spent a little time with my five year-old, just the two of us. We took a bike ride to the community garden. We found an okra pod the size of a large carrot!

Still eating raw food.

Last night, I listened to a Path of Health teleconference called Monoeating and Self-Love. At the end, the speaker Elchanan reminded us to stop thinking about what goals we haven't accomplished and look back and appreciate how far we've come. So, I think I will try to focus on how much my life has improved in the last few months and just feel grateful.

Cute kids

2007-08-23T21:15:00.000-06:00

Today I started classes in the library. I really loved spending time with the kids. They are funny and interesting. But there are so many of them and our time is so short. A cute little girl named Allisen wanted me to help her find a book on pigs, but unfortunately, I didn't have time. As it was, all of my classes were late returning because I had to have each child tell me his or her name before I could check them out, and I'm still getting the hang of all of the steps it takes to do a checkout. All of the kids are required to have two or three books, depending on their grade level, and I have to check the reading level of their Accelerated Reading book so that they are only taking books in their level so that they can take a quiz on them. Being on schedule is hugely important in a school. It is irritating that the schedule is the main thing, not the learning or the interacting of people, or even bodily needs like eating when hungry, drinking when thirsty, or going to the bathroom. It is also annoying to enforce such a rigid system for which books the children can choose. They are used to it and happy to comply, though.

Today I got an excellent lesson from a third grader. She was helping her friend, who was upset because her shiny Fruit Loops token was not in her backpack where she thought it was. The wise little third grader said, "The important thing is not to panic. When I lose my Polly Pocket slipper, I start to panic and then I can't look for it. But, if I CALM DOWN (here she made a large gesture with both hands to illustrate), then I usually find it right away." Her friend decided that maybe she had left her Fruit Loops token at home under her swan picture she drew where she keeps all of her special things. Ah, the wisdom of children.

My kids have their first hour of school tomorrow. They will go with their Dad to meet their teachers and turn in their school supplies. Then they have the rest of the day free to enjoy each other's company.

I got my first paycheck. Very exciting! It all went to overdue bills, but I am thankful.

2007-08-22T21:32:00.001-06:00

I LOVE garden club. I love spending time with interesting people more than twice my age. Seriously... I wish I could recount all of the fascinating and unusual stories and funny jokes I heard tonight. I stayed late with a couple of interesting octagenarians and we talked about everything from what it was like to be a repo man fifty years ago, to why the phone company sucks, to a 92 year-old movie shot by Thomas Edison, to the Renaissance, to San Padre Island and the cheerleaders one can meet there. Gus Petrakis told me that he was in love with me and offered me some uzo. A girl could get used to that. I better be careful, he's got a book called Windows XP for Dummies on his coffee table and may find my mention of his name on Google. (Hi, Gus.)

Anyway, it's past my bedtime. (No, I didn't have any uzo.)

A note about my food record... I am sorry I've been lax about this. I doing well for weeks now eating about 90-5-5. I am eating a lot of bananas and local melons, as well as lettuce. My friend brought me an order of peaches and blueberries from Michigan. The rest of my diet is stuff out of my garden--cucumbers, tomatoes, okra, and tomatillos.

I need to consistently eat more calories. Work is wreaking havoc on my eating schedule. I have to eat way earlier than I want to or wait until 11:30, when I'd be starving. I want to get in some outdoor walking during my lunch break, but I only have 30 minutes to both walk and eat, so it's a bit hairy. I feel lousy if I don't get some exercise, fresh air and sunshine, though. Then I feel ravenous after school and start eating and don't quit until after dinner. So I'm eating too many kinds of foods together in the evening.

I'm sure I'll get into a more comfortable routine soon.

Tired (and tired of being negative)

2007-08-21T21:08:00.000-06:00

The title says it all.

Literally, at times this week, I have only not eaten cooked foods because I know I will get violently ill. Several items that have been occupying my mind... Taco Bell bean burritoes, vegetarian super-nachos, and waffle fries. When I think of them, I simultaneously feel desire and nausea. The thought of eating them literally makes me want to vomit.

But then at other times, I feel better.

Actually, I don't think there's much I could say at this point that would be interesting or useful to anyone. But I want to record how I feel for the future. So when everything is all wonderful and I am the person I always was meant to be, I can look back and see the depths from which I rose.

Geez, even that sounds bad.

Ok, two things I am grateful for... Patton Oswalt (warning explicit language, but GOOD GOD, this guy is funny) and Tomato-Peach Soup (recipe in Dr. Graham's 80-10-10 Diet).

Good night all and thank you for being here for me.

Rainy weekend

2007-08-19T17:51:00.000-06:00

Work has started and life is busy. Today, it was raining, so I worked on washing and slicing tomatoes for dehydrating. We've got a lot of tomatoes. I don't know how the rest will do with all of this rain. We've been getting so much rain that the beans are molding on the vine. I have some pinto beans ready to pick, but no customer, so I'm not in a hurry to pick them. It rained off and on all day anyway.

I am reading a fantastic book called "How Children Learn" by John Holt. I recommend it to everyone who will ever interact with a child. Actually, it is giving me some insights into some of my own feelings about learning--for example, why I feel confident and able when approaching certain learning tasks, but incompetent and fearful approaching others. I am really, REALLY looking forward to releasing my children from school next year and feel anxious and impatient about this year. We are struggling financially and I want it to stop. But, I seem to be resisting the jobs that will pay the bills, too. LOL!

I checked my body fat percentage today and it is still hovering about 25%. I really need to get busy on the exercise. I'd feel better, too. So, I'm headed down to do a step aerobics video and maybe a little strength training.

Today's Eating

10 a.m. About 12 C. local watermelon
12 p.m. 9 Calimyrna figs (a gift from a friend)
2 p.m. 6 more cups of watermelon
6 p.m. Organic baby romaine and spinach with tomatoes and Armenian Snake Cucumbers from my garden

Approx. 1500 cal., C-P-F 89-7-4

Gearing up for a new gig

2007-08-15T20:10:00.000-06:00

So life is getting bit hectic here as Jason and I both start work Friday and the kids begin daycare and school (next week). I have been keeping it positive. I have especially been trying to focus on the positive in my blog, which at times feels a little phoney. Really, people, in the interest of full disclosure, I go back and forth between fear and faith, crisis and confidence, sometimes on an hourly basis.

Really, what it boils down to is this. I want to be homeschooling my raw vegan kids and living in paradise (fruit trees please) with my healthy raw vegan husband with our meaningful work that pays us a comfortable income. Instead, I am sending my omnivore children off to heartless institutions so that I can go work a job I'm not that happy about. My husband tastes like a garlicky hamburger sometimes when I kiss him. And then other times, like now, he runs off and leaves me alone to slave away while he goes to, of all things, a role-playing game convention (which, by the way costs MONEY, which we don't have enough of). Wah, wah. Who's a whiny baby?

Really, it's not so bad. I had a lovely day with the kids. I have been practicing my communication skills and managed to survive more than one tantrum without either losing my temper OR letting go of my limits. The kids and I had a fun trip to the library AND together as a family, we got the house reasonably clean. I am glad my husband is going to have fun with his friend doing something he enjoys. He works hard to earn our bread (make that fruit) and we have a nice house, food to eat, clothing on our backs, etc. and so on... A little fun and games didn't hurt anyone.

So, the positivity isn't phoney. I really am blessed and grateful for my life.

Today's Food (*local food)

9:30 a.m. 12 cups watermelon*

12 p.m. 8 Medjool dates (not so hot, dried out and grainy)

2:30 p.m. 6 more dates

6 p.m. 1/2 Casaba melon, salad with organic red and green romaine, heirloom tomatoes*, organic celery, and about 1/4 organic avocado

1900 cal., C-P-F 87-6-7

Exercise

Walked about 1 mile with the kids

2007-08-12T21:08:00.000-06:00

Salome with her Grandpa (my father)

My farmer friend Phil hangin' out at Willow

Busy, busy weekend! Saturday was Farmer's Market and then the kids and I headed out for the Willow Creek Folk Festival that is held in a picturesque little churchyard in the country about 25 minutes away from here. Willow attracts a ton of amazing talent from all over and is a big thing for all the crunchy/ hippy/ liberal folk around these parts, but believe it or not, we've never been. We made a special effort this year, as my husband's brother's band had secured a timeslot to play. My husband was feeling really low with a rib injury, however, and decided to stay home and rest.

We had a WONDERFUL time. I had a few welcome but unexpected encounters, including with my parents! My parents had decided to take a little mini-vacation and stayed in a hotel in Stockton with my four youngest siblings. The sibs decided to sit out the festival in favor of swimming in the hotel pool. But my parents had a great time. It was nice to visit with them a bit. The kids ran me a bit ragged, especially at the end, when two of them disappeared into the darkness and it took a little while to find them. We enjoyed hearing my brother-in-law's band... They played a really fun cover of Folsom Prison, by Johnny Cash, an original murder ballad that my dad deemed "inappropriate for a churchyard," and a White Stripes song.

Today, we had Salome's birthday party in a local park. Nobody blinked when we served a watermelon cake. Aside from a lot of sweating and my nephew Sam's dramatic spill off of a swing, a rolicking good time was had by all.

Food from today and yesterday (* denotes local)

LOCAL WATERMELONS ARE HERE! I am so excited.

I ate a lot of watermelon* and some cukes*, tomatoes*, lettuce, peaches and a few grapes.

Resting and letting my body cleanse

2007-08-10T21:33:00.000-06:00

Another photo from the family reunion last week. Aren't they sweet?

Today, I simply felt wiped out. My head felt better. I had big plans to spend the day in the garden, but my body had other ideas. I slept out in the sun for a little over an hour this morning, then listened to a teleconference in the recliner and did some stuff on the computer for a little while. Then I took a long afternoon nap. I had loose stools four or five times throughout the day.

I imagine it must seem odd to my friends who know about my raw journey that I have spent so much time this summer being ill. I personally feel a little discouraged by this myself at times. But I understand that this process is my body healing from all of the toxins that have accumulated from years of smoking (in college), poor eating, stress, etc. I am happy to know that all of this is being released and feel confident that I will continue to feel healthier as time passes. Already I have seen so many benefits. I often get impatient and don't give my body the rest it needs when I experience symptoms of cleansing. Then my body has to throw out stronger symptoms to get my attention. So, I plan to try to rest when my body says rest.

Today, I was happy to have the opportunity to really rest well, since my husband and the kids headed off and spent the day at my in-laws for the family's annual garage sale. They packed lots of fruit and the best of intentions, but again, the kids indulged in meat and everything else. It is very hot and so as I nurse my 3 year-old, her sweat reeks of dead animal. I am curious to see if they throw up this time or if their little bodies are too busy with the stuff from last week to bother...

Tonight, I managed to go out to the garden and harvest some tomatoes, summer squash and cucumbers for tomorrow's market. I plan to try to go get some chard, endive, okra, potatoes, and a couple cabbages tomorrow morning. We'll see how it goes. I was annoyed that I forgot my radio to to set up to keep the raccoons out of my corn. Let's hope they don't find it tonight.

Today's Food (*denotes local)

9:30 a.m. About 10 cups watermelon
12 p.m. About 8 cups watermelon
6 p.m. About 2 cups organic romaine, tomatoes*, cucumber*, a little summer squash*, 4 organic bananas

Approx. 1400 calories, C-P-F 84-7-9

Migraine

2007-08-09T20:07:00.000-06:00

Picture from TheArtfulWriter

O.k., so it was bad, but maybe not that bad. I went back to bed and slept all morning, but I had to go work at my new job this afternoon. To be more precise, I chose to go even though I could have cancelled.

I still have some lingering pain and pressure on my right side, and my vision sometimes gets a bit "off" with halos and such.

I had a very bad evening yelling at the children. I am doing some research on Nonviolent Communication but I better get my eyes off the screen soon and go to bed.

Today's Food (*denotes local)

11:30 a.m. About 12 cups Watermelon (actually TRYING to prevent my body from sending out the symptoms. Yes, very counterproductive, I know.)

From 2-4 p.m. Snacked on some organic red grapes

6:30 Salad with organic romaine, an avocado, some summer squash*, tomatoes*, okra*, cucumbers*, and sugar snap peas*

Approx. 1450 calories, 70-8-22

Fear Vs. Faith

2007-08-08T20:50:00.000-06:00

My garden, weeds and all. It's kinda hard to see, but back there is my 6 foot tall sweet corn. In front is sweet potatoes, swiss chard, and various cole crops--all for selling at the Market.

The other side of the garden. The poles standing up are for the pea fence. I picked the last sugar snaps this week. The second fence in back has Purple Triumfo pole beans. In front of the pea fence are the tomatos.

Four varieties of snap beans--Dragon tongues, yellow French Filet, and two kinds of green beans that look pretty much identical. Yes, they are planted too close! But I didn't have to do much weeding. LOL!

Red okra starting to bloom. Okra tastes great raw and isn't slimy like it is when it's cooked.

Today was a day for exhaustion, exhiliration and epiphanies. After a marathon late-night "working things out" session with my husband, I got up at 6:15 to go to a Farmer's Market with my farmer friend Phil. Great fun, and lots of learning! The "big city" market was a lot different than my home town one.

This afternoon, I had fun with the kids watching videos of colonoscopies. I highly recommend this video for anyone trying to kick the meat and milk once and for all. (If you go, click on the link to the movie that is called Colon Therapy. Also, please don't think I'm endorsing the good doctor's eating plan of 80% grains!) My kids were fascinated and asked lots of questions. However, some of the last shots of really badly diseased colons and polyp removal got too gross for them and they stopped watching. My son has a bad rash on his anus from his weekend SAD experience, so I think he thought about that a bit. He is very interested in anatomy.

Today is our baby's birthday! She turns 3. We celebrated her all day! She is the person in the family who truly knows The SECRET to life. We plan to have a party for her on Sunday with a watermelon cake.

Tonight, I started listening to the first free conference offered by the Path of Health, entitled What is Health? Amazing stuff! My husband and I have been so grateful for the Path of Health community and the help they have offered to us on our journey, and I would encourage anyone to try out their 2 month trial period and free mentorship program.

Anyway, while listening, I was struck by Elchanan's teaching about fear versus faith. I was thinking about this as I took a long walk late in the evening. It came to me that I am ALWAYS afraid! I grew up constantly afraid that I would be yelled at, belittled, criticized, and paddled. I was afraid that I was a bad person and would burn in hell. As I grew up, I added more and more fears. I am afraid of being a total failure, of being unlovable. I am afraid I can't do math or learn to fix anything mechanical. I am afraid of losing things and not being able to find them, and consequently, I never can actually look for lost items. I am afraid of being a horrible parent. I am afraid of being attacked by men or dogs. I am afraid that I can't manage time or be organized and that I won't have enough time or energy to do all the things I am interested in. I am afraid of what others think of me.

As I was thinking all this, I started realizing that I was walking, and not running because I have always been afraid to lose my breath. Somehow, I have convinced myself that I can't run. Then I thought how there was a time when I couldn't really walk very well. My thighs rubbed together painfully. My back and feet ached. I felt tired and out of breath quickly and felt like I was forcing myself to walk. Now, I realized I wasn't feeling that feeling any more. I felt light and airy. I realized I was walking quite fast without any real effort. I thought about how my thighs are never irritated and chafed and broken out any more, like they used to be. I saw my thin, fit shadow on the ground. It seemed like a different person than the one I was afraid of being.

I broke into a joyful run, just to see if I could hold that feeling of energy. It felt really easy, like I was skimming over the ground. I didn't feel like I was forcing it or like I was being chased. It was just running.

Then I started getting afraid of being fearful. LOL! What a silly thing to be afraid of. I slowed down, just to feel in control. But I broke into a run again as soon as I felt ready. It was fun! I got home feeling fantastic.

Today's Food (* for locally grown)

10 a.m. 1 large cantaloupe*

12 p.m. 1 more large cantaloupe*

3:30 p.m. 1/2 large Armenian Snake cucumber*, 1 cup or so various small tomatoes*

6:30 p.m. About 12 cups watermelon, 1 large stalk celery
11:30 p.m. About 4 cups watermelon (yikes, I know! but I didn't eat enough and exercised late.)

Approximately 1400 calories, C-F-P 83-9-9

Exercise

45 minutes brisk walk with a bit of running thrown in

15 minutes strength circuit (body weight exercises)

Family Reunion

2007-08-05T22:41:00.001-06:00

My husband's parents, siblings, and our families. The only person missing is his sister's husband.

Guess what I'm feeling.

Chicken and noodles are a special tradition in my mother-in-law's family.

She was willing to scream for this ham sandwich.

This is plate #2 or maybe #3. She's not so sure anymore. Most of this got pitched in the trash.

Today was a family reunion for my husband's mother's side of the family. His mother is one of six children, but they are scattered all over the country and rarely get together. In fact, this was my first time meeting one of his aunts.

We brought 5 watermelons and a big tub of cantaloupe. Last night, our two oldest children were overheard talking about what food they might get to eat. They talked a lot about chips. At the reunion, there was a LOT of fruit besides our watermelon--others brought fruit trays and more melons. We had talked to them in the car about how they might get sick if they ate food that wasn't raw, since it has been quite some time since they ate any. We tried not to make a big thing about it.

My two oldest children immediately parked themselves in front of a tray ofcrackers and began chowing. We tried to call them away to playgames with their cousins. They continued eating for awhile and then played for a bit. They kept asking when they could dig into the main dishes. When everyone else started serving their plates, they immediately began loading up their plates with fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, ham sandwiches, etc. I mentioned again that they might get a stomachache if they ate that. They continued.

I WAS going to at least feed the 3 year-old fruit because I felt she was too young to decide for herself whether or not to eat poison. She SCREAMED, and grandma handed her a ham sandwich. O.k. Apparently 3 year-olds CAN decide. Then my husband served himself a big plate of everything. So, after almost 2 months of doing this "together," I am now the only raw vegan in the room again. (Actually, my husband has recently been more honest with me that he, in fact, has been cheating here and there all along.)

I practiced observing people and trying not to judge them or give them advice in my head. I walked around and took many photos. I was surprised that people did not seem to notice that I was taking pictures. No one asked me one question when I did not eat at the same time as everyone else, or when I ate a big plate of melon and nothing else. I enjoyed taking photos. It was difficult to just see people without adding commentary in my head.

The kids did NOT throw up at the reunion or on the car ride home, which we were worried about. Also, they ate less than they would have in the past. After eating, I could tell they all felt a bit sick. Our middle daughter laid in a lawn chair for quite some time. Then she went and got herself a plate of cantaloupe and honeydew. Maybe she thought that would help? In the car, our son told us that his stomach DID hurt after he ate. I asked, "Did you like that?" He said, "Kinda."

I felt pretty bummed out by the whole experience. I really don't see the point to these events. His family didn't really talk or do anything much but eat a big meal and take some group photos. It was almost like they showed up to remind each other they carried some DNA in common and to see what each other looked like after so many years.

Tonight, our middle daughter has been throwing up and having severe diarrhea. It smells very acidic. GROSS! I have not been adding commentary at all, except to tell her I love her. This is hard for me, because I feel annoyed that I have to clean up stinky puke. I feel bad for her, though. I REALLY hope the 3 year-old is not going to puke on me in the night. We cosleep.

Today's Food

*denotes local food

About 8 cups large black seedless grapes
About 4 cups chopped watermelon
About 4 cups chopped organic cantaloupe
About 3 cups sliced Armenian snake cucumbers*
Some tomato slices grown by my husband's aunt
Some tomatoes while working in my friend's greenhouse*

Eating Locally, in fits and starts

2007-08-04T11:53:00.000-06:00

Photo from Seeds of India

Photo from Ozark Gardens

I LOVE those cucumbers. One of the best things about this summer has been discovering what I love to grow and what I love to eat. The Poona Kheera cukes were grown by another farmer's market vendor, not me, but I'm definitely growing them next year. They are so sweet. I did, however, grow the Armenian snake cucumbers. They are very mild, but not so sweet, have very small seeds, and are very crisp. They have a very tender skin and since you don't have to peel them, they keep this cool shape, like the cogs of a wheel. They also sell like hotcakes! Luckily, the plants really produce.

Well, as you can see from my August expenses record, we are eating a LOT of nonlocal food. On August 1st, I felt pressured to eat 100% local (solely pressured by myself--just a typical bad habit I get into, an "all-or-nothing" mindset). I hadn't done much homework and had no local fruit to eat, so I ate 7 large ears of local raw corn that was too old and starchy. I spent the entire day of August 2nd violently ill and feeling dumb. I will remember that lesson.

After calling around and asking all of my market vendors, I have found that there are virtually NO local fruits available right now. Melons will not be ready for another week to 10 days. The second crop of raspberries are not ready yet. Peaches in this area were all killed by a late frost. Plums and pears are not quite ripe. There are some sour apples; we bought 25 today. Let's face it, we can't survive for even one week on sour apples, cucumbers, and tomatoes.

This does NOT excuse buying nuts, which is certainly not good for our insides or our budget! Today, I re-read that both "raw" cashew nuts and Brazil nuts are decidedly NOT raw. O.k., I admit it. I am soothing the savage beast of emotions run amok. I need more rest, need to overschedule myself less.

I had a WONDERFUL time working together with my whole family at the Farmer's Market today. I had a WONDERFUL time reading archives of Suvine's blog. I had a WONDERFUL time with my family watching Dr. Who (the 9th doctor?). They have all been into Dr. Who lately, from the 60's stuff and onward, but I have been resisting because I generally don't like science fiction. But I liked it. We have also been reading Bone together.

I am done with the nuts. I am breaking up with cashews. They are mean to me. LOL! I will eat local melons as soon as I can get them. I will keep eating all of my lovely garden produce. Okra pods are coming. Tomatoes of all kinds cover my countertop. I have too many beans to keep up with picking. We had some nice savoy cabbage leaves tonight, although I have gas now. I can't digest the cole crops really. But the savoy leaves work perfectly for wraps. In my defense, I tried to sell the savoy at market first.

We also got some DELICIOUS sweet corn, which I will eat in moderation. I will trust my tastebuds on the corn! I will eat enough sweet fruit to prevent cravings and fuel my body properly.

Today's Food (Local food has a star* by it)

Morning during Market: Nectarine, Mexican Midget tomatoes*, Armenian snake cucumber*, yellow cucumber*, 1/2 large ear of corn

Around noon: Various tomatoes*, 4 medium ears sweet corn*

Around 4 p.m.: Savoy cabbage leaves* with mashed avocado (only one between the 5 of us) and salsa (tomatoes*, onion*, sweet corn*, lime juice, cilantro)

Around 6:30 p.m.: Banana and raspberry ice cream

Around 8 p.m. Several handfuls of cashews and an ounce of Brazil nuts

If you are a committed 80-10-10-er, you probably are groaning because you know that if you ate like this, your stomach would hurt. Yes, I admit it, my stomach is hurting. Well, tomorrow is a new day!

August Food Expenses

2007-08-03T17:40:00.000-06:00

Grocery Receipts

8/1 Cub Foods, $9.48, 1 1/2 lb. Fuji apples, 1 12 oz. package mango chunks, 1 12 oz. package cherries
8/1 Cub Foods, $11.07, 6 gallons reverse osmosis water, 1 seedless watermelon, 20 ears local corn
8/2 Cub Foods, $46.33, 1 large seeded watermelon, 2 lbs. Jazz apples, 5 lbs. Fuji apples, 6 lbs. organic Red Delicious apples, 6 organic kiwi fruit, 4 organic cantaloupe, 1 1/2 lb. organic nectarines, 3 large bags of discard bananas at 99 cents each--15 lbs.?
8/2 Sullivan's, $10.47, toilet paper, 2 12 oz. packages frozen raspberries
8/2 Nature's Path Health Food Store, $15.13, 1 lb. Brazil nuts, 1 lb. cashews
8/4 Freeport Farmer's Market, $22, 3 dozen ears peaches and cream corn, 25 sour apples, 8 large organic carrots, 1 organic Poona Kheera cucumber, 2 organic yellow cucumbers, 3 pints organic Mexican Midget cherry tomatoes, 2 quarts Early Girl slicing tomatoes, 1 bunch organi beets (given as a gift)
8/4 Aldi, $9.06, 3 seedless watermelon
8/4 Cub Foods, $6.68, 2 2/3 lbs. Fuji apples, 1 avocado, 1 bunch cilantro
8/5 Cub Foods, $77.16, 5 seeded watermelon, 7+ lbs. black grapes, 6 large Fuji apples, 6 organic cantaloupe, 2 bunches organic celery, 1 lb. organic romaine hearts
8/7 Sullivan's Foods, $10.87, 9 gallons reverse osmosis water, 1 lb. Fuji apples, almost 3 lbs. Michigan peaches
8/8 Edgebrook Farmers Market, $5, 2 large cantaloupes
8/8 Cub Foods, $13.03, 2 12 oz. packages each frozen cherries and mango chunks
8/9 Cub Foods, $41.12, 3 1/3 lbs. Fuji apples, 3 3/4 lbs. organic bananas, 2 1/4 lbs. organic red grapes, 4 large organic peaches, 2 1/3 lbs. organic green grapes, 3 lbs. organic Gala apples, 4 organic avocados
8/9 Cub Foods, $4?, 6 pack Mickey's beer (He is suffering extreme pain from a cracked rib and thought this would be a better option than Vicoden. I am not commenting on either choice.)
8/11 Freeport Farmer's Market, $27, 3 organic Florida Giant watermelons, 1 organic Crimson Sweet watermelon
8/12 Cub Foods, $20.89, 5 1/2 lbs. Braeburn apples, 9 lbs. organic bananas, 3 lbs. organic romaine hearts
8/13 Cub Foods, $3.09, 9 gallons reverse osmosis water
8/14 Cub Foods, $15.56, 2 1/2 lb. papaya, 1 1/4 lb. black plums, 5 1/2 Braeburn apples, 1 mango
8/15 Cub Foods, $98.24, 1 large honeydew melon, 13 lbs. Fuji apples, Canary melon (7 lbs.) Casaba melon (4 lbs.), 12 lbs. organic bananas, 2 lbs. organic red grapes, 2 heads organic celery, 2 lbs. organic romaine, 2 10 oz. packages organic spinach, 1 11 oz. package organic baby romaine, 2 lbs. organic green grapes, 1 lb. Medjool dates, 4 organic avocados (all rotten), 5 lbs. clementines (from South Africa!)
8/15-8/16, Jason's trip to game convention, $45 (his estimate)
8/17, Cub Foods, $, 6 lbs. Fuji apples, 5 lbs. clemnetines, 3 lbs. red grapes, 3 lbs. green grapes, 1/2 lb. Medjool dates, 2 nectarines, 5 lbs. organic bananas, 1 gallon reverse osmosis water
8/18 Freeport Farmer's Market, $46.50, 3 organic Florida giant watermelon, 2 organic Crimson Sweet watermelon (the best melons we've eaten this year!), 3 organic Sugar Baby melons, 1 lb. organic carrots, 2 organic lemon cucumbers, 7 oz. organic raspberries
8/19 Cub Foods, $17.44, 5 lbs. bananas, 2 1/2 lbs. green grapes, 2 1/2 lbs. black grapes, 4 lbs. Fuji apples

Total: $556.12

Free Food

8/3 Gift of 3 apricots, $1
8/4 Gift of 3 nectarines, 2 ears of corn, 2 yellow zucchini, and 1 lb. green beans, $5
8/12 Gift of 1 honey mango, 3 ears corn $2
8/15 Gift of 3/4 of a large papaya, $4
8/18 Gift of 5 lbs. of local pears, $5
8/19 Gift of 12 oz. dried Calimyrna figs, $3
Total: $20.00

Garden Produce (charging ourselves the value we'd get selling it at Farmer's Market)

8/1 Green beans, tomatoes, cucumbers, summer squash, $12
8/3 Green beans, yellow French filet beans, red okra, tomatoes, cucumbers, sugar snap peas, $15
8/4 Savoy cabbage, $2
8/6 Worked in a friend's garden as an exchange--Slicing cucumbers, Thelma Saunders Sweet potato squash, various heirloom cherry tomatoes, green Japanese eggplant (given as a gift), $12
8/7 Heirloom tomatoes, Armenian serpent cucumbers, yellow French filet beans, okra, sugar snap peas, $6
8/8-8/19 I haven't been keeping up with this, but we've been eating a lot of tomatoes and cucumbers, okra, a bit of sweet corn (wrong variety for eating raw, so we'll be giving most of that away), tomatillos, summer squash, and a few snap beans, let's say $50

Total: $97.00

Garden Income

8/1 $18.00 (sold to Margaret Larson)
8/2 $17.00 (sold by a friend at a bigger city market)
8/4 $17.75
8/8 $37.55
8/11 $9.25
8/14 $17.00 (sold to Margaret Larson)
8/15 $24.00 (sold by a friend at a bigger city market)
8/18 $2.50
Total: $143.05

Garden Expenses

Total:0.00

100 Mile Diet in August

2007-08-02T20:30:00.000-06:00

Our county's new local food logo

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am a member of the Northwest Illinois Local Foods Task Force. Our mission is to spread the word about eating locally, as well as to build both the supply and the demand for local foods. Here is an exerpt of our official mission statement explaining why we promote local eating.

Reasons to Eat Local

· Enjoy exceptional taste - Local food is fresher and locally grown varieties tend to be bred for taste and freshness, rather than shipping and shelf life.
· Strengthen the economy - Buying local keeps dollars circulating in the community.
· Support local farms - Local food is often sold directly by the farmer, allowing the grower to keep more of the profit.
· Encourage health and safety - Increasing your intake of fruits, vegetables, and wholesome dairy products is good for your health. Plus, knowing where your food comes from and how it is grown allows you to support a safe food supply.
· Protect the environment - Less reliance on shipping foods long distances reduces carbon dioxide emissions and packing material. It also helps make farmland more profitable and sustainable.

We debated whether to also cite new evidence that eating locally-grown food increases vitamin and mineral intake because fresh food has lost less of its nutrients. The members as a whole felt that this might not have enough evidence to support it yet, so we stuck with the really strong reasons listed above.

Obviously, I make some personal compromises when I "stand behind" a document that claims that increasing intake of "wholesome" dairy products is good for your health.

I also note that our last meeting was held in a local ice cream parlor that serves local beef, cheese, and ice cream. We all gave a round of applause to the manager, who explained that they don't make as much money serving local potato chips as they would if they bought nonlocal French fries, but they are committed to supporting local producers and their customers approve. Then everyone but me happily chowed down on cheeseburgers, potato chips, and large scoops of ice cream. Sigh.

In the final analysis, I feel that the great work that this Task Force is doing outweighs their promotion of local meat and milk. Margaret Larson, the Unit Leader for the County Extension, has been a real champion of local foods in the community, and works hard to use local foods in as many events with Extension's name on it as she can. As they are located on a community college campus, sometimes foodservice contracts get in the way. She was instrumental in getting an ALL-LOCAL farmer's market started (the one I sell at) and in helping our little community garden get the grants and volunteer Master Gardeners we needed to survive and thrive. She is amazing and when she asked me to participate on the Task Force, how could I say no?

Let's face it, one of the main reasons I am so committed to the Task Force is that I secretly hope to at least somewhat balance out the meat and milk lobby. Believe it or not, we have lots of local fruit and vegetables. LOL!

One of the first steps the Task Force took was to hire a local media firm to create a logo. This logo was unveiled in a promotional event at the annual Ag Breakfast, a well-attended affair that serves local agricultural products (again, primarily meat, eggs, and cheese) from this county. The purpose of the logo is to encourage local businesses such as restaurants to use local ingredients in their dishes. Grocery stores, farmer's markets, roadside produce stands, etc. would also want to use the label. Consumers can look for the logo and use this to better vote with their dollar.

We are also planning a Local Foods Harvest event at Freeport's new Visitor Center, and are bringing several guest speakers with expertise in connecting local producers to restaurants, grocery stores, and foodservice professionals. We have also sponsored some fun events, such as a cooking demonstration at the Farmer's Market.

Finally, the most exciting event the Task Force is undertaking is that during the month of August, several members, including me, have taken the challenge to follow the Hundred Mile Diet, and write about it in a blog, as well as in articles for our local media. We hope to lay groundwork for a more ambitious promotion of eating locally in the future. One of the ideas kicking around in MY head is getting the general public to pledge to follow the Hundred Mile Diet for a certain amount of time next summer and then have a Local Foods Banquet for the participants. This would be a great opportunity for consumers to network with local farmers and food purveyors. Imagine the possibilities!

Voting with Our Grocery Dollars in July

2007-08-01T18:11:00.000-06:00

Salome LOVES organic celery

This is month 2 of recording what we bought, what we grew, what we found in the dumpster, and what we earned from our garden. This has been a learning experience.

For those of you who haven't been keeping up with our running log or expenses in July, it can be found here.

Our stated goals at the beginning of the month were to reduce our spending on groceries and gasoline, and limit 90% of our spending to bananas and local foods.

Total Grocery Receipts: $432.75
Estimated value of Free Food We Obtained This Month: $361.55
Estimated Value of Food We Grew This Month: $115.50
Total Consumption For a Family of 5 plus 1 Cat on a Raw Diet: $909.80
This works out to $29.34 per day.

We met our first goal and significantly reduced our spending on groceries! Yay! Our total grocery receipts were $213.02 less than last month. This even includes a whopping $78.38 restaurant tab, and $11.65 on food gifts for friends. If you remove cat food, restaurant and gift spending, water, toilet paper, and my husband's nonraw cheats, then we only spent $395.31 in total. Of course, last month's tab was artificially high because we invested over $100 on frozen meat for the cat. However, if you adjust both June and July's spending to only include raw human food, then we reduced our grocery spending by $74.79. Could have been better if we didn't buy so many lychee and raw bars and dates on our Chicago trip.

It was also nice to see that we double our money's worth out of our garden, although we earned about half at the Farmer's Market. I forgot how much I made selling lettuce!

Gasoline was harder to track since we didn't keep track of gas expenses either month. We took a trip to Chicago in our car, so it is unlikely. Also, we made a total of 30 separate trips to buy food. That's almost one trip per day. This is ridiculous, although I believe it was a couple of less trips than we took in June. We have obtained a bike for my husband and we plan to fix my bike. We hope to do more by bike and limit car trips. However, almost daily car trips are inevitable, since we garden 5 miles from our house on the other side of a busy highway. Often we must carry tools and large quantities of produce, so it makes riding a bike difficult. Tacking 1 or 2 extra miles onto the trip to stop at stores seems like no big deal. But, it really adds up over time.

We increased our consumption of locally grown products slightly from $274.00 in June to $292.56. However, when taken in context with our overall drop in spending, this means However, most of this was either grown by us or gifted to us by family and friends. If we think of each dollar we spend as a vote, we only increased our votes for local foods from $35.00 to $38.85; hardly a victory. We also bought more organic foods, though I didn't calculate the exact amount.

We definitely got more bananas this month than in June, but as to limiting our spending to bananas and local, we did not meet our goal.

In August, I begin an experiment to follow the 100 mile diet with the The Northwest Illinois Local Foods Task Force. Stay tuned for more information about this tomorrow. Should be an adventure!

Chicago Saga, The Final Chapter: Old Friends

2007-07-31T15:28:00.000-06:00

With our friend Mercy

On a whim, I decided I just had to stop at Whole Foods before leaving Chicago and driving home. Of course, I was really just procrastinating because I was already tired, and the thought of driving 3 hours and getting all of the sleeping kids into their beds by myself was a little overwhelming. On our way into the parking lot, I noticed short woman and a tall teenager walking along. I quickly recognized the woman as an old friend... Mercy.

I met Mercy when I was desperately trying to find a home daycare provider for my first baby so that I could go back to my teaching job. I almost never went to the interview with her because she did not speak English and had to find her daughter to translate for her on the telephone. However, when we went to the interview, we immediately knew that she was the perfect caretaker for our baby. I went on to recommend her to friends and acquaintances, and to occasionally translate for her with some of the other parents. We enjoyed each other's company and we even invited each other to our respective weddings (although she got in a car accident and didn't make it to ours). Anyway, Mercy watched our son until he was 3 years old, at which point I stopped teaching for 6 months after the birth of our second child. Our family then moved away from Chicago. At the time, Mercy was moving to a new house. We totally loss touch and have not seen each other for almost 5 years.

I quickly realized that the tall teenager was her son, who was a cute little 10 year-old last time we saw him. I wasn't sure if she would recognize me, since I've lost a lot of weight and my hair was waist-length last time she saw me. Mercy, on the other hand, looked exactly the same. I took a chance and hailed her. She immediately remembered us and was very excited. We talked for some time and she INSISTED that we come to her house and spend the night. She owns a two-flat, with a garden apartment and has 2 floors devoted just to daycare. She had several extra bedrooms. I resisted at first, but accepted her invitation. So, my husband took off to hang out with his friends and the kids and I went to Mercy's house.

What a gorgeous place! Mercy is a talented businesswoman. She has two assistants and a beautiful well-outfitted daycare. We got a wonderful tour and caught up on our lives. Mercy shared with me her health struggles with a recent diagnosis of fibromyalgia. She insisted on knowing how my husband and I had lost all of our weight and looked so healthy. She was excited about the ideas I shared with her. In fact, she told me a story about how she cured her own breast cancer with herbal medicine 20 years ago. I wish my Spanish was better so that we could have conversed more in depth. I also wish I had some 80-10-10 resources in Spanish I could have shared with her. Mercy told me that she had just that day been praying to God to send her the help she needed to lose weight and take care of her health. She hugged me with tears in her eyes. I was a bit overwhelmed.

After a comfortable night in a lovely room, we shared a breakfast of watermelon with her and she gave the children lots of little gifts. We took some pictures and promised to keep in touch. I think of her often and hope that she is eating fruit and loving life.

Chicago Saga: Part 3, Garfield Conservatory and Lincoln Park Zoo

2007-07-28T21:52:00.000-06:00

Check out those Dromendaries!

After our binge at Cousin's, we headed to Lincoln Park. The children had specially requested a visit to the zoo. Because of the high cost of parking, we chose free street-parking on campus at our alma mater, DePaul University. We stopped to visit a few friends who were working on campus and then walked toward the zoo.

The walk was a bit agonizing since we were all weighed down by our huge lunch. I personally felt like I had a boulder in my stomach, and the kids complained a bit. But the weather was cool and breezy.

We stopped to take a pic on Shakespeare's lap and then to admire the gorgeous formal gardens in front of the Garfield Park Conservatory. I especially admired the use of edible landscaping. There was colorful City Lights chard in the borders and in the center bed, which had a black and white theme, there was a huge quantity of Black Pearl Peppers. I have a couple of these in my own garden--not sure why, since the peppers are actually just pearl-sized and are hotter than anything.

The kids enjoyed the beautiful fountain at the center of the garden, but the running water signalled the need for a bathroom break. This gave me the excuse I needed to drag everyone into the Conservatory. They were reluctant at first, but once they were inside, they were mesmorized! Gorgeous, lush, unusual, exotic... this place should be a DO NOT MISS for anyone coming to Chicago. And, they've got all kinds of producing fruit trees, something I don't remember from my visits years ago. We spied bananas, oranges, limes, soursop, guavas, and what I'm pretty sure were dates. Big signs are posted everywhere admonishing people NOT to pick the fruit.

There were also a couple of strange conceptual art projects to gape at (and listen to). The enormous ball made from lawn chair skeletons and driveway reflectors was a bit much, as was the composition playing in the fern room, a piece entitled something like "If the Ferns Turn Metallic and Start Vibrating, Turn the Sound Down..." in which the composer intentionally simulated the sound of cicadas. However, I absolutely loved Niki de Saint Phaelle's whimsical Nanas!

After a tour of the Conservatory, we wandered around the Lincoln Park Zoo. There is much there that was new to us. We loved the Africa exhibit and the children's space with the huge climbing area. The kids insisted on running through the fountains in their bathing suits, even though the temperature was in the high '60s. They didn't last long.

Let's face it, though, zoos are depressing. Despite all their focus on conservation and education, a zoo is just a place with animals in confined spaces. It was saddening to watch the Spectacled Andean Bear, whose natural diet was listed as fruits, leaves, and roots, munch on some sort of dried pellet. Many of the displays were empty and contained signs that the animals were inside due to the heat.

After all of that activity, the kids barely made the walk back to the car. We played 20 questions games about animals as a distraction from our fatigue. Our intent was to first drop my husband off to play with his friends and head for the highway for home. My husband would stay over with a friend and take the bus back later the next evening. However, at the last minute, I decided I just HAD to make a pitstop at Whole Foods. This led us to a chance meeting with an old friend and the extension of our trip, as I'll describe in Part 4 of our saga. Stay tuned!

p.s. I REALLY wanted to put a slideshow on this post, but I cannot get BubbleShare to work for me. It gets to 99% downloaded and it just won't go any further.

Chicago Saga, Part 2 Cousin's Incredible Vitality

2007-07-26T21:28:00.000-06:00

I'm on the outside looking in

Thursday started auspiciously in Chicago. We woke to a lovely cool morning in our friend's cozy Uptown apartment. My daughters wanted to find some dates and so we headed out on a little walk on Devon Street, reknown for its cultural hodgepodge of ethnic markets and restaurants, many of them from the region of the world known for growing dates.

Actually, my sense of direction was a bit off, and we walked for some time on a street that was NOT Devon. I didn't even have the sense to look at a street sign and know that I was lost. However, after we had walked over half a mile without finding anything but a few Mexican tiendas with no dates, we decided to turn back. The girls were getting restless and irritable. They peed in the bushes outside a Chicago Public School. I snickered a bit about the symbolism.

Then magically, after cutting over one block and walking only 2 blocks back, we ended up on Devon, right in front of the Devon Market where they not only had dates, but they had mangos, 4 for $1, a young coconut for $2, sweet corn 8 for $1, figs both fresh and dried, and lots of other fun stuff to look at. The dashing young owner stood in the front, gently nodding to the grandmotherly lady who was attempting to explain something in Polish (or some other tongue) . He understood without having to understand the words--another magical moment. It was like taking a wrong turn at Albuquerque and ending up in heaven.

We got a rather handsome load for under $25. Plus, our little shortcut landed us only 2 blocks from our friend's apartment. Good thing, since we had so much to carry.

We loaded up our car and drove some distance to go to a Persian grocery store I knew about in Boys Town. It was unchanged, but they had little to tempt a raw vegan. I bought some Iraqui date syrup and some halvah as gifts for a friend. Then, we headed to one of only two raw restaurants in Chicago, Cousins Incredible Vitality, for lunch.

When we lived in Chicago years ago, we had visited Cousin's Middle Eastern and Mediterranean Restaurant and enjoyed it immensely. Of course, that was a time in our life when we enjoyed the Epicurean lifestyle of eating and drinking ourselves into a stupor (and bankruptcy). LOL!

Anyway, we were immensely drawn to Chef Mehmet's story about transforming his life after converting to a raw lifestyle. And of course, we are always drawn to a food adventure.

One look at the menu online and I was sure that this wasn't exactly paradise for the 80-10-10er. The opening page lists the "Cousins IV Pyramid" as consisting of 50% greens, 25% nuts and seeds, and 25% fruit. I'm sure they're referring to volume, not calories, which would make this your typical 50-75% fat diet that gets so many raw fooders in trouble. Oddly, there is no mention of oils, yet they figured prominently in virtually every dish we sampled.

Though I was skeptical, my husband and children were eager. They salivated over the idea of a raw pizza and chocolate smoothies. I was sure I could get some fruit and greens on the salad bar (and admittedly, I was secretly a bit excited to try something a little exotic like a recipe or a little rich like some nut pate or guacamole).

We were the only customers for most of our lunch time. Maybe Thursday is a slow day? Or maybe raw foods is a totally foreign concept in the Midwest? We got to sit in a lovely window seat on beautiful cushions on the floor.

The wait staff was attentive and just enthralled that our entire family would eat raw food. Our waitress proclaimed that we were only the second raw family she'd ever met and that most people told her that their children would never try this kind of food. I felt the need to gently explain that we were really "80-10-10ers" and didn't eat this way all the time. She had never heard of 80-10-10. She seemed confused. "So you don't eat many greens?" No dear, we don't eat so much fat!

We were disappointed to learn that there was no child price for the all-you-can-eat buffet. We also had to patiently wait for them to finish readying it, although we came in half an hour after it's scheduled start time. Also, the smoothie menu was significantly shorter than the one online, and unfortunately, virtually every smoothie offered contained cacao.

We were offered flax crackers while we waited, which my husband and children gobbled greedily, voicing their hearty approval. They tasted like salty cardboard to me.

Despite the shaky start, we were thrilled by the beauty of the dishes as they were brought out to the buffet carts. There were stuffed marinated mushrooms, stuffed peppers, guacamole with tomatoes, a festive corn salad, two "pasta" dishes, one with marinara, one with pesto, several green salads (all with dressings and dried fruits and other vegetables), a "curried rice" dish made from cauliflower, a "falafel" made from nut balls wrapped in collard greens, a dish that had wild rice in it (is that REALLY raw?), a sweet carrot salad, a papaya custard, and a dish of whole pears and apples. No plain greens and no sweet fruit, I noticed. Hmmmm.

In addition, we ordered a raw pizza appetizer, a chocolate banana smoothie, and a smoothie with durian and cacao. I ordered this one against my better judgement because I so badly wanted to try SOMETHING with durian. That and perhaps I was trying to compensate for the sinking feeling I was getting as my husband and kids got more and more excited about this food that I know is just not optimal.

The first bites, for me, were painful. The food literally burned my tongue it was so saturated with spices and salt. The guacamole was intensely garlicky. The cabbage salad was downright HOT with pepper flakes, the curry in the "curried rice" dish tasted like dirt mixed with a caustic chemical. The durian smoothie was possibly the worst thing I've every tasted. Even the papaya custard had some mix of spices so that the taste of the fruit was completely covered over. I felt immediately depressed. My husband, noting my discomfort, said, "Now why couldn't we enjoy a meal like this just once in awhile?" He and my children began eating large quantities rapidly. My son was particularly excited as he consumed mushroom after mushroom.

A sad, lonely feeling came over me as I watched them. What IS wrong with entertaining oneself with food? With consuming toxins in order to get an artificial high feeling? With eating things that make one feel physical discomfort or even pain? I felt miserable, but pretended I didn't and started filling my stomach with a large quantity of food. As a result, I felt ill for many hours afterward, and it cast a pall over all of the fun we had later in the day. I felt highly guilty as I charged $78 to my credit card. And ALL OF IT was my choice. What I ate, how I felt... It was a good experience for me, because now I never have to feel attracted to the idea of a fancy restaurant meal. I enjoy my simple meals of fruit and greens and I enjoy feeling light and happy and healthy.

Lest you think me cruel, I will say that if you are accustomed to eating "recipes", raw or cooked, this would be some of the most delicious food you've ever tasted. It was beautifully presented, very fresh. The ingredients were of high quality. The pizza actually tasted pretty much like pizza. If you are a cooked foodie who wants to try a "healthier" meal or a raw fooder who eats recipes, dehydrated foods, salt, spices, etc., you might LOVE this restaurant. But, if you're an 80-10-10er, skip it and head to the Devon Fruit Market.

Next up, Part 3 of our adventure, where we go to the zoo and find possibly the only producing tropical fruit trees in Chicago. Stay tuned!

Too tired to write another Saga

2007-07-24T21:31:00.000-06:00

Yummy veggies in the Community Garden

Sorry everyone, the second installment of my Chicago saga will have to wait until tomorrow. I'm wiped out!

I had a full day of errands, dumpster diving (pineapples and cantaloupes--woohooooo!), harvesting in the Community Garden (the girls helped me pick beans and cut chard), and working in my own garden. Whew. And tomorrow promises to be more of the same.

I can't tell you how excited I am now that I have beans and tomatoes to pick. I am growing some wonderful unusual beans--Dragon Langerie and Yellow French Filet are the two that I've started picking so far. Others will be ready later.

Today's Raw Food

10:30 a.m. Smoothie with 6 bananas
2:30 p.m. 2 cups pineapple, 2 cups grapes
3:30-5 p.m. Snacking while harvesting--some beans, some shell peas and sugar snaps, a few tomatoes
6:30 A salad with romaine lettuce, fresh cucumber and yellow zucchini from my garden, and a dressing made from blended red pepper, grape tomatoes, celery, and sunflower seeds (I didn't really like it)
10 p.m. A medium cantaloupe

1470 calories, C-P-F 81-7-11

I am getting in a bad habit of not eating enough fruit calories (for my activity level) early in the day, and then feeling hunger right before bed. Normally, I will just go to bed hungry. But tonight, when I had fleeting thoughts of Oreos and potpies, I decided to just eat, darn it. I never even liked Oreos. LOL!

Exercise

30 minutes low-impact aerobics
30 minutes upper body strength training

Chicago Saga: Part 1

2007-07-23T21:58:00.000-06:00

Cover Art for the The Decemberists' latest album The Crane Wife

Our driving force behind our visit to Chicago was to hear The Decemberists give a free concert at Millenium Park with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. The Decemberists are cool, Millenium Park is cool, and the Chicago Symphony Orchestra is cool. Put them together, for free? And you get way too many cool people in one place. LOL!

It helps if you get there more than 10 minutes before the concert starts. We got there 10 minutes before the concert started. The seats were filled, the lawns were packed, the sidewalks were body-to-body with people on their cell phones frantically trying to locate their friends who just MUST have magical lawn seating, not that you could get to said seating without teleporting. We were also supposed to locate our friends with magical lawn seating. My husband got out his cell phone and tried calling. When he reached voice mail, he immediately went into a panic, accelerated by the fact that a large storm began to gather overhead. Sigh. I started having fun, however. The band took the stage and they sounded GREAT.

People were smiling at our children, who were remarkably blithe about being pressed body to body with crowds of hipsters. Eventually we found our friends. Their lawn seating wasn't so magical--it was on the outer lawn and the sound out there was good, rather than excellent, as it is on the inner lawn. But still, it was seating and we could hear. We ate some grapes and celery and nectarines and enjoyed the show. The Decemberists played The Tain, a rambling 25 minute song which lent itself well to the presence of the orchestra, but which also happens to be my husband's least favorite song in their catalogue. However, they redeemed themselves with a rousing version of The Mariner's Revenge. Nature joined in with several dramatic cracks of thunder and lightening. But the heavy rain held off until we were safely deposited on the train to our friend Rob's house.

If you would like to see photos and a review of the concert, check out the Chicagoist.

Next up, the family visits a cool neighborhood fruit market and tries Cousin's Incredible Vitality, a raw restaurant in Chicago.

Back from Chicago

2007-07-22T19:27:00.000-06:00

Photo courtesy of The Art of Seeing

Actually, today's Sunday and I've been back since Friday. But this has been my first opportunity to post. Did you miss me? I missed you!

We had a truly lovely trip to Chicago and there are so many exciting things to tell you about that it is going to take me multiple messages to write about them all.

So, for this message, let me just recap today for you.

Today, I spent a little over 3 hours helping a disabled man (a friend of a friend) move from his apartment to a new house. Lots of fast-paced carrying heavy things up and down stairs. Actually, I had fun. And it was a beautiful sunny day. (Lest you think me overly altruistic, I will get paid for the work. :)

Then, I took the kids out to pick those Transparent Apples mentioned in my last entry. It was my friend Ann's birthday, so it was fun to bring her a card and a few little gifts, including a cabbage from my garden, and some halvah from Pars Persian grocery store in Chicago. Actually, I feel a little guilty about that one. But I have fond memories of halvah, and since she eats sweets anyway... She was excited, as she's never tried it.

Her granddaughter was there spending this week with her, and my kids had a grand time playing hide-and-go-seek with her and feeding the horses apples. Ann's husband Mike spent hours with me picking apples with his antique apple-picker. Basically, an apple-picker is a small wire basket with hooks on it at the end of a long pole. Well, shoot, just check out the picture above and you'll get a pretty good idea of how it works. What fun!

Today's Raw Food

10 a.m. Smoothie with 6 bananas and 2 cups romaine lettuce
1:30 p.m. 2 cups cherries
2:30 p.m. An ear of corn
3:30 p.m.? A couple of Transparent apples
5:45 p.m. Another ear of corn
6:30 p.m. A green smoothie with 5 bananas and 4 cups romaine lettuce
8:30 p.m. 2 large fresh cucumbers

1785 calories, C-P-F 89-6-5

Garden Party with Transparent Apples

2007-07-17T21:00:00.000-06:00

Photo from Big Horse Creek Farm

This morning's Firing of the Grid was celebrated by a nice thunder shower. I did not do anything formal but lay there and enjoy the sounds of Mother Nature beside my dear husband and my darling baby girl. For her sake, I hope that the healing of the planet has indeed begun.

All throughout the day, I took time to notice the birds and animals and trees and sky and just appreciate them.

Tonight, I went to my garden club's annual picnic at my lovely friend Ann's house in the country. She has 3 acres and 2 horses and a nice pool. The evening was cool and fortunately for our little gathering, it did not rain. I got to see her husband's vegetable patch and their apple trees for the first time. I've been to their place several times, but never had an excuse to visit that corner of the property. The sunset was so lovely with the pinks playing off the thunderclouds in the distance.

And, they have what they think is a White Transparent apple tree. Ann's husband Mike gave me an apple and I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. Now, I am not much of an apple eater. And normally, I need a very firm, crisp apple with no hint of softness about the flesh. But this was a soft, sweet flesh, yet not mushy at all. I could have eaten a bushel if I thought there was any hope of politely doing so. I managed to procure an invitation to come pick apples on Sunday. I am so excited! I will have to bring Ann and Mike something lovely from our trip to Chicago.

As for the garden club I always feel a little silly belonging to this club, as I don't really know the first thing about gardening (decorative gardening, that is). Furthermore, I feel always conscious that despite my education, I am out of my social class. I am the only young person in a mostly elderly club, and as such, I get a lot of attention, which I like, of course. I actually joined the club, in part, because they have been so generous in their support of the community garden. And, it gives me a social gathering to go to without my family, which is a rare event for me. All of these factors taken together, however, lead me to feel just a touch of guilt after my meeting, as if I'd been caught with my hand in the cookie jar or something.

In addition, tonight was a bit uncomfortable because it was a food-centered event. I brought cut-up watermelon and a pasta salad (I was nervous that I didn't have enough watermelon for both me and the crowd). Making the pasta dish was a big deal for me. I felt a bit guilty about preparing something like that. I put fresh veggies and basil from my garden in it, and actually begged the pasta, oil, and salt from a friend in exchange for a favor I did for her. I did the prep work after everyone was in bed, and carefully hid the dish in the fridge so the kids wouldn't get into it. Then, after all that, almost no one even tried it. (There was so much other food, and I think the lack of a creamy sauce or meat made it a hard sell in this crowd.) I had a huge dish of pasta salad that I palmed off on Ann at the end of the night with the excuse that I was going to be out of town. On the other hand, the watermelon was quite popular. Go figure.

Actually, there was literally nothing other than watermelon for me to eat. But the melon was so good, it was hard to restrain myself from eating and leave some for the rest of the crowd. It's so freeing not to miss all of the other foods! But I feel so self-conscious when 20 people ask me if that's all I'm eating, WHY that's all I'm eating, etc. I haven't worked up to honestly telling many people what I'm doing. Of course, my manner probably attracts more of the unwanted attention than if I just directly, simply and confidently explained "I eat only raw fruit, vegetables, and nuts."

Anyway, dear readers, I want to alert you that I will be out of town for the next couple of days. Look for all the thrilling details of my family's trip to Chicago this weekend!

Today's Raw Food

10:30 a.m. 14 cups watermelon
2:30 p.m. Smoothie with 4 medium bananas, about 2 1/2 cups thawed mango, and 2 cups endive
6:00 p.m. 6 cups watermelon
9:30 p.m. 2 large nectarines, 1 cup iceberg lettuce, 1 stalk celery, 1 large cucumber with skin

Approximately 1850 calories, 85-6-9

The Tooth Fairy

2007-07-17T00:02:00.000-06:00

My daughter shows off her first gap. Of course, her baby sister can't be left out of the fun.

So, I hit bottom, bounced, and kept on moving upward. Gotta love it! I had an epiphany... I can't digest cashews. And I used to eat pounds of 'em. It feels good that my body is finally cleaning up to the point that it can send me clear signals... "Hey, idiot, feed me some fruit!"

The highlight of today was that my daughter lost her first tooth. She was highly excited, and is a complete believer in the magic of the tooth fairy. I can't believe this milestone snuck up (on me) so fast. My little baby is growing up.

I would love to share with you all of the other exciting things going on here, but it is 1:30 a.m. and I can't stay up another minute. Tomorrow morning, I plan to get up early to help FIRE THE GRID!

Today's Raw Food

10 a.m. 12 C. watermelon

2:30 p.m. 3 C. bing cherries

4:30 p.m. 1/2 medium cantaloupe

5:00 p.m. A lot of edible-podded peas off the vine

6:30 p.m. 3 ears of sweet corn, a large salad made with iceberg, curly endive, red pepper, cucumber, celery, and 1 oz. sunflower seeds

1 a.m. 4 C. watermelon

1550 calories, C-P-F 75-10-15

Exercise

1 mile walk, slow (with kids)

Cleansing continues

2007-07-13T21:00:00.000-06:00

Ester Resting on Arm by Laura Smith

Felt "ill" today. Actually, I didn't feel any strong symptoms; I just felt like I couldn't move for any reason. I slept pretty much all day and got up about 4 p.m. It is so fortunate that my husband is here to be with the children. He also harvested some cabbage and kale for me to sell tomorrow at market.

I should have probably fasted to allow for more healing to take place, but I ate anyway. At about 7 p.m., I had a very large hard ball of a bowel movement. Hmmmm, maybe that's what my body was working on cleansing.

I am battling feelings of helplessness and depression. Can I conquer my flaws? (Or is that a fundamentally flawed way of viewing myself?)

Today's Raw Food

About 5 p.m. 3 C. honeydew melon, 3 C. watermelon

About 7 p.m. About 12 C. watermelon, 2 cups raw peas

About 10:30 p.m. 6 Medjool dates, 1 oz. raw cashews

About 1550 calories, C-P-F 80-7-13

Work in Progress

2007-07-12T08:37:00.000-06:00

Health Update

On April 27th, 2007, I went raw and haven't looked back. My journey has taken me places I never imagined. I am learning to experience my emotions without food. I am following my dreams, sometimes to challenging places. I am recycling weight and transforming my body.

April 28th, 2007 135.4 lbs., 34% body fat
July 12th, 2007 116.8 lbs., 24.4% body fat

Other health changes

My constipation and irritable bowel issues are gone. I notice digestive discomfort in response to eating improper food combinations or eating dehydrated foods, onions, or herbs. Before, these symptoms were so common for me that I ignored them.

I am not bloated or achey in the mornings any more. My weight doesn't fluctuate 5 or 6 pounds from morning to night. Both of these are related to the elimination of salt from my diet.

I have more energy and stamina when I am exercising. I don't feel out of breath or lethargic.

I tan more easily, although I still have to be very careful, especially with areas of my body that haven't seen much sun in my life.

My skin is clearer and my scalp is less flakey. However, if I eat a lot of fat, such as avocados, for a few days in a row, I notice minor breakouts or dandruff. I no longer use soap or shampoo or personal products of any kind. I don't stink, unless I eat onions.

I no longer use toothpaste and my teeth remain their typical clean selves (brushing with water 2 times per day). However, I still wake up with a dry mouth and whitish foul-tasting coated tongue. I hope to eventually lose that symptom along the way.

My sense of smell is quite sharp. This is sometimes an inconvenience.

My periods have spaced out from approximately 30 days apart to 40. They are very light and short.

Overall, I feel extremely proud and happy about how far I've come. But I'm a work in progress for sure!

Do I Know How to Feel Joy?

2007-07-10T21:21:00.000-06:00

Photo by Mike at absolutelydelightful.com

I had a satisfying morning today cleaning. I have been spending so much time in the garden and out of my house, that sometimes it's nice to just reconnect with my living space. I did dishes by hand, something I normally don't take the time to do. The girls did some gorgeous paintings, while my son worked with his dad to do some house (or should I say garage) painting.

My husband and I have been working on our vision for homeschooling our children. This has been a great experience, although uncomfortable at times, for us to work on our communication. We have been getting some wonderful help from Elchanan and Seena through the Path of Health's mentor program.

One thing that arose in our session with Elchanan and Seena tonight was that although our vision is detailed, it lacks feeling behind it. In other words, all of the "pieces" might be there, but where is the enthusiasm and joy in our approach? How can the children be excited about doing something that we are not excited about? I realized that I am almost never joyful about any part of parenting, because I am always feeling either anxious about being a good parent, or I am distracted. As a matter of fact, I am rarely joyful about much in life. Hmmmm. Stay tuned.

Today's Food

11 a.m. 1 quart strawberries with tops blended with one stalk of fennel

2 p.m. 1 1/2 medium cantaloupe

About 1/2 hour after finishing the cantaloupe, I had a bad stomachache. It was like nausea, but lower in the belly. The worst of it lasted about half an hour, but I had a dull ache for a few more hours. I didn't feel hungry for dinner. I took a small taste of the date sauce I prepared for the kids banana ice cream in the evening meal, but it didn't even tempt me, so I did not eat anything more. At about 10:30, I felt hungry, but I think I'll just head to bed. Eating late interrupts my sleep.

Approx. 560 calories, C-P-F 85-8-7

Plant a Row

2007-07-09T21:10:00.000-06:00

Plant a Row for the Hungry is a program that encourages gardeners to help fight hunger in their own communities. Our Farmer's Market vendors are proud participants in the Plant a Row program. This week alone, our vendors donated 75 pounds of fresh vegetables to our local food pantry. The demand for these items is enormous, as the clients would only get nonperishable canned and boxed items otherwise.

Think it's too late to plant? You can often find seedlings at your local nurseries, grocery and big box stores at a deep discount during early July. I personally planted 8 pepper plants today. Depending on your climate and growing season, you still have plenty of time to plant short season crops such as snap beans. And of course, there are crops to plant that like cool weather, such as lettuce. Depending on your season, you can plant these as late as August or September.

Today's Food--finally back on track! I actually experienced TRUE HUNGER today (I think?)

11 a.m. Smoothie with 5 bananas and 2 cups curly endive
3 p.m. 1/2 large cucumber, 3 Romas, 1/2 cup Chinese cabbage sprouts, juice of 1 lime
5 p.m. A handful of sugar snap peas in the garden
7:15 p.m A large salad with romaine, Chinese cabbage sprouts, and Romas, a dressing made from 1/4 avocado and a bit of lime juice, smoothie with 4 bananas and mint, a couple tablespoons of raisins as garnish

About 1370 calories, C-P-F 85-7-8

Today's exercise

30 minute Body by Victoria video, aerobics and circuit training with weights

Bartimaeas Rocks!

2007-07-08T23:02:00.000-06:00

Suddenly, my cat is eating whole raw meat. He still requires a smear of canned food before he will consider it, but nevertheless, he's crunching those rabbit bones and tearing into chicken hearts with relish. Now why did I rush into investing in ground meat? Let that be a lesson!

I have spoken to some friends who promise me free fish heads and low cost locally-raised chicken. I will continue to explore local options for responsibly-raised or wild meats, preferably for free or cheap!

Today's Food

11 a.m. 8 apricots, 5 bananas blended with about 2 cups curly endive (all the kids liked this mixture, too)

1 p.m. About 1 cup of my friend's fresh raspberries

5 p.m. 5 cups iceberg, blended dressing made with avocado, celery, cucumber, and cilantro, then more avocado mashed with lime juice

8 p.m. (in the garden), about 1 cup of snow peas

9:30 p.m. 5 partially-frozen bananas in a smoothie

About 1850 calories, C-P-F 74-6-21

Exercise

10 minutes Pilates, 20 minutes aerobics (so many interruptions!)

What happened to Friday?

2007-07-07T11:36:00.000-06:00

One of the residents of PIGS, a Santuary

I had a busy day yesterday! I took the kids out to the garden in the morning. We saw our farmer friends' 2 new piggies. They're so cute. "Are they going to kill them, Mama?" asked my oldest daughter. She's such a sensitive sweetie.

They tried picking mulberries, but didn't get much. We found a warren of baby rabbits that drowned in the 2 inches of rain we got the other day. The kids were interested to see them and talk about death. They weren't upset, but they did think the maggots and ants eating them were kinda gross.

Then they went and swung on the tire swing.

On the way home, we did a dumpster run. We got a lot of good stuff, but 28 avocados! I was smart enough to give a bunch away. Still, I ended up eating 5 by the end of the day.

I brought the kids home and headed back to the garden to work off some debt to my farmer friend, Phil. At the beginning of the summer, he bought most of my seedlings (with his discount) and sold me his old seeder. I have owed him about $50 forever.

Phil and I weeded side-by-side for about 5 hours, so we had a fun time talking. He's 79 and has had an interesting life. He has been pestering me to "help him" lose 12 pounds--he's not overweight but he does have a spare tire he wants to lose. He has decided to give up sugary drinks like lemonade and sugared juices that his wife makes from plums and other fruit. Talking about food got him telling stories about his travels in the Navy during the Korean War. He was a meteorologist, so he had lots of free time to explore when the ship was docked. He told about the little pizza place with red checkered tablecloths in Hong Kong, and a fancy restaurant on a ship where you could pick your live shrimp out of baskets hung over the side in the ocean water. He said the best meal of his life was in a little hamlet in Hawaii where he got a big lobster dinner and lots of drinks for $2.

I worked hard in the garden until sundown and didn't get home until almost 10 p.m. I should have gone to bed, but instead, I started eating guacamole. Naughty me.

My food

10:30 a.m. 5 bananas, 3 cups romaine
1 p.m. 3 cups romaine, 1 avocado, a dressing made with avocado, grape tomatoes, orange pepper, celery, and a tiny bit of onion, more celery for dipping
6 p.m. 1/2 cup raspberries
9 p.m. About 2 cups sugar snap peas
10 p.m. 3 mashed avocados, lime juice, and a little onion powder with 3 large stalks of celery to dip

* A note: My 2 year-old dumped the last of our expensive unheated Utah red salt. So, we're off the salt (for good?!?).

2260 calories, C-P-F 44-6-50 (Yikes!)

Exercise

1 plank, 1 set of tricep dips, 2 pushups